Thank you so much, eberyone of you are so dear,
I know he was not my natural son, but he was my childrens brother and my heartaches for my son and for their family so much. It is late at night, early morning now and I can not sleep. I know this child is not in his bed and has been gone now for 24 hours in heavan.





----------------------------------------------------------------------



Those that know me, know for the last 2 years since my dd passing I have not been the old me. I try, but a part of me is missing. I guess the loss is bringing up the emotional toll of missing DeAnne and my son losing his brother now. I am so shaken I do not want to sleep that something may happen.

I have been difficult two years for my family too. We never leave the house unless we have to. Then it is put off and find excuses. I need a safe person to watch for me on each end of the route. It has to be local, or my dh has to drive me. My son has not worked since his sister passed he is in therapy. dd fights therapy, we are thinking of a companion service dog, but I have all of de's cats here. Samson and Dehliah would never accept a doggy. Momma Scarlet keeps wandering off down to the trailer where De lived. Last Spring she was Mothering baby ground hogs under it.

My youngest dd is online homeschooled but will rarely go out. No friends, no roller skating She was in a photo club with me and went to the 1 year anniversary dinner two weeks ago. But wanted to go right home. She is convinced she has a cancer, that a light outside or helicopter is Aliens, she freaks at shapes of shadows, I have to sleep with her in the livingroom as she can not stand to be conered in her bedroom. She is now a grownup beautiful 13 year old with below the waist length hair.
But she can not even let a dentist LOOK in her mouth with out fright or flight kicking in ripping off the dental bib and lunging off the chair. Will not take any medication but Childrens Tylenol, is just getting over Shingels...

If any of the kids go out they all have prepaid cell phones or are on my plan and have to call when they get there. If they are longer then they should I have a panic attack and am calling. They have to call that they are awake in the mornings, and Ok and if traveling back, on the way home.

My son was going down his fathers bar on a dart league once a week and I would not allow him to drive if he had a drink it was less then a mile away I would pick him up.

My hair has turned so gray I need to dye it 2 shades darker or it looks white and ages me.
I don't post like I did, I lost control of the clutter with so much going on.
I was just getting to the point of doing 15 minutes a day of tossing, sorting and pick up. I don't want to lose that, but I wish I could wake from this nightmare and concern that something is going to keep happening to the kids, dh or me.
I can see my therapist this week, but I have been laid off for 8 months, dh plant filed bankruptcy, so the copays are killing me.

I am so sorry to whine and cry away like this, but when will it end? I am terrified, sad and scared.
My DeAnne has him with her in heaven, but they should be here with us. We should be going before them. I guess it is opening the wounds again I try so hard to hide.
Thanks for being my friends, Keep us in your prayers
Di