I know I haven't been around for awhile; nothing to say....yet everything to say. Just nowhere to start, I guess. I'm tired of this...of everything. I'm tired of being so out of sync with everyone...very rarely go out or talk to friends... sometimes talk to hubby but don't see him that often due to work hours. Tired of not getting to see grandkids and all that that major battle entails...just too tired to fight anything or anyone now. This seems like the safest place to go since you ALL know that I have absolutely nothing together and to the rest of the world I have to pretend to be okay....I'm so not. I did, however, manage to sleep through Thanksgiving to after the first couple of years of January...grandson's 10th birthday. I thought I could just pretend that they were all gone...like out of state or something, but even then you can still talk to them. I mean, okay, this isn't the first time they've been "taken away" - several times since their birth, but I know from the tone of the son's voice that this time is forever - or at least forever in my life. I don't know about hubby's. Been making funeral plans....yuck! Kind of makes you feel that the day is coming faster and faster. Somehow I wish I didn't know when that day is coming.....but I keep hearing doc's words..."This is the time span...." I'm wondering, in this time of Lent, is what I have to give up life itself? Yes, I'm good at giving up food, etc. but, life???? I don't know and,yet, I have those dark feeling that "let's just hurry up and get this done...on my own terms..." I read about how suicide affects everyone left behind and, no, I doubt that I'd do that. My own grandfather did that just as I was being born and I, somehow, always felt that it was my fault. Nothing actually said, just inferred. Okay, that's enough ranting and raving for now. I'm just tired, I guess. And tired of being tired. Patience was never my thing!