Hi

Some background...
i tapered down from Zoloft for months before finally suspending it a few weeks ago. The reason for the taper was not an intent of suspension, but activation sx, which often do accompany fever when i am ill (in this case, when i had bronchitis for a long time.)

The last steps down brought on sleep disturbances (vivid, repetitious dreaming, nightmares, repeated awakenings and general poor quality sleep). All that has resolved.

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i now am just not right. I have a lot of stressors and i though i was dealing ok. But instead of settling down more, moodwise, i am getting more unsettled.

I am a bit concerned because spring (this time of year, specifically Feb-Mar) is historically a high-risk period for onset of a major depressive episode for me. So the timing of this "instability" is noteworthy, albeit not pure depression.

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Normally, the first thing to would be tweak my Zoloft, but as i no longer take it i can't tweak it!

Currently, all i take is Depakote ER and a long-acting but potent benzo. i'd rather not up the benzo but i have been padding with lorazepam sometimes when i am agitated/anxious to the point of insomnia. other times i have hypersomnia for several days and feel totally drained (yet still moody, labile, irascible... )

Tomorrow i see my pdoc and will discuss with him possibly taking a higher dose of Depakote, perhaps for just six weeks or so... to cover my "vulnerable calendar time." Or going back on Lamictal for a while (suspended that over a year ago.)

I am not liking the Depakote idea much since 1000mg made me stupid. I now take 500. figure we could try 750. I don't know about the Lamictal since i never took it as monotherapy - always with another mood stabilizer plus the zoloft. so it is hard to say if it even did anything other than make me much more photosensitive.

Right now, if i had to self-evaluate objectively, i would say i am in a mild (subclinical) mixed state, with intrinsic rapid cycling but not clean cycling at all (a few days more on the upside, a few days more on the down side...but always mixed). The thing is, it may be subclinical by the DSM, but it is becoming clinically relevant as i find myself increasingly unable to get things done, even things i had started doing, and would like to see grow.

I am not liking this. i am liking it less and less. i am feeling so sick and tired of everything. everything is shaking me up one way or the other. i've seen myself in the mirror looking as though i've just seen a ghost. i go around making snyde remarks and snapping at my housemates or biting my tongue just barely in time. laugh like a hooligan at stuff but get riled OR profoundly hurt in seconds over... any small thing.

like, right now? i am sitting here crying, upset over one housemate calling the other stupid... which happened this morning (over 12 hours ago). i was not even involved - i was pretending to sleep.

and no, i don't have PMS... not even close.



feedback welcome. support welcome. anything welcome. talk to me.

i will be checking back in.

~ waves ~