Hi you guys,

thanks for posting back.

Mari, my pdoc is good on many levels but one thing is he's not the real med genius kind... but very receptive to my suggestions = works *with* me not on me or above me and all that. that's why i kinda wanted to go in with plan a b c's to toss his way. well i guess there's really 2 options - increase depakote or add back lamictal that we can try... perhaps opt for increase depakote as plan a. as you point out, only need one plan as a starter. then see from there. one step at a time.

Di, i don't like to use lorazepam (which is Ativan) every day, especially not more than one... they are 2.5mg orosoluble. i have occasionally taken two, but really they are for acute anxiety/panic. if anything, better to raise dose of my other benzo (En = delorazepam n/a in US) has same potency as and is conjugated into lorazepam; howver it is very long-acting (like Valium) and gives a slow infusion of lorazepam. i didn't want to mess with the benzo levels at all due to the addictive aspect... i want eventually to taper off completely (NOTTTT now). using lorazepam daily for general sx would be more addictive than increasing En - because it would have sharper peaks and troughs.

but i will be mindful of your suggestion for now... perhaps i am being a bit too conservative. ward off depression, you say? hmmm. that is interesting. can be useful for anxious depression.

and i could revisit my resistance to increasing my En.... hmmm... how to broach this with pdoc.... see, benzo's are first line drugs here, dished out PRN. So... perhaps an open mention with a sour face to tip the scales "not in favor," and see if he proactively suggests an increase. he usually lets me manage it so if i propose an increase he will just nod... just confirm i can increase it if i want, which i know.

Now i have a whole hour to prep for pdoc visit. to he[[ with shower, hair and everything. i just need to get there today. that is only goal. get there. it don' matter if i cry on the bus. i will probably eat a pill before i go. yeah... one a dems lorazepams. on the other hand i'd rather he sees me messed up. but better less messed up than not at all. i don't know how we will do therapy. . i guess i better not think about that either.

Pam
That really sucks about your hubby claiming you use your illness as an excuse... especially what you're going through now. i will be curious to see if pdoc thinks i am still going through a "settling" period from suspending the Zoloft (after five years on it), even tho the taper was slow. Either that or he may want me back on it. with the agitation though, i'm not convinced that's the right answer. thanks for posting to me, Pam, it's good to know you're here for me... means a lot right now.

Ppl in RL do not GET IT. heck i don't even try to explain i just try to cover & compensate as much as i can... as always.

thanks you guys for responding. i much appreciate.

oh btw, DiMarie, your picture of DeAnne was sitting open on my puter, and she somehow inspired me to get my fold-out bed folded in... to help my mom "like the house better" and help myself feel less guilt and feel less of a waste of a human being. Like she somehow sent me energy... or your vision/painting of her did. Or both. She does radiate in that painting. TY for that too.

i cannot see thru tears now. i hope the endorphins kickin soon. l8r...

waves