Great thread ((Sue))

You got me to thinking... not always a good thing

I am by nature a loving and forgiving person. I should say, I use to be. Since Dad's suicide my first emotion is sorrow caused by insurmountable grief. The next emotion is anger.

Since Dad's death, I haven't been able to handle things, anything, like I once would have. My coping skills are gone. I have been dealing with the long goodbye, the slow death of my husband to Alzheimer's for years.... I use to be able to see the joy in the midst of tragedy. I can't do that any more. It isn't for lack of trying. I try every single day. Multiple times a day.

I go and visit Lynn now and I put on my front. I will not let him see me cry. He wouldn't understand why I was crying. He thinks nothing is wrong with him. *sigh. If I am there, all is right in his little world. I wont take that small measure of comfort from him. What else has he got? *sigh

But, once I leave his room, it is anyone’s guess where I will fall apart. The second day there I made it to the elevator. When it opened, a lobby full of people saw me on my knees sobbing for all I was worth. I never cry in public. At one time this would have horrified me! Now, I just don't care. I am breaking, I can't help where the pieces fall.

Anger. I tried to put my anger aside after Dad killed himself. It felt wrong, unnatural -for me to be so angry with this man I loved so dearly. I tried to push it aside, hide it within me. Now, it is busting free. And as ((Alffe)) said, I have no control over it.

I am full of anger. Most of it justified. Some, not so much.

I am angry at myself. I should have known, somehow, someway.. that Dad had reached a point where he thought suicide was his only option. Part of me knows there was no way for me to know, but .... I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! This will eat away at me for the rest of my life.

I am furious at Dad. More than furious, I just haven't found a word in the written language to express how angry I am at him. The anger is real, raw and honest. So I won't try to push it inside again. I already have ulcers from trying to do that.

It frightens me, to feel this much rage. That it is aimed at someone who was my everything.. well... there is no word for how that makes me feel. But, in truth it also makes me even angrier at him.. because he caused me to feel this way towards him. *sigh.. how is that for a vicious cycle?

I am not mad at Lynn. How can I be? It isn't his fault he fell victim to this horrendous disease. I can't be mad at him, so I am angry at God. Not the first time, not the last.

It goes against my nature to be this angry. Maybe I am wearing it as a shield?
Then again, maybe as Sue said.... it is giving me enough energy to live?