((((BJ)))) am not sure why you edited your post. I read it yesterday and was very touched by it. You speak right to my heart. And you hit on places and thoughts which I myself go through. I couldn't respond last night because my reaction to it was a powerful one. But, it was a good one. Someone out there understands ME, and how I think and feel. And I need that. I understand though, and I don't blame you in the least. There are many times when I feel that I would want to do the same. What we express here is very personal. I love you dear BJ. And, yes, I am still here and I am still fighting the beast. I will fight him for the rest of my life.

I can't take the meds they dish out for depression and suicidal thoughts. So, I have to find other ways to fight it. I do it by reaching out to friends and to God. I do it by learning how to monitor my thoughts and emotions. But, there are times when there is too much going on in my life and the stress of it takes me to the breaking point. At that breaking point I have a choice. I can reach out to someone, or I can act on the thoughts. Fortunately, I have friends that I can reach out to. I have someone who knows me and watches out for me. It makes all the difference.

Its very hard to walk up to a family member and say, "I want to kill myself." You will not get a very good reaction. Besides which, it looks weak. Because you are not strong enough to do it yourself. I don't like the position that I am in. But, it is what it is. And I do the best that I can.
It would not do me any good to go to a doc or to an ER, because, as I said, I can't take the meds anyway. Been there, tried that. And that is not good when you have Chronic Major Depressive Disorder along with a lot of other stufff.
Hang on BJ, I am We will get through it.
I keep hoping I will find that other sidewalk. And hope is a good thing.