I agree with Lara, nik...

besides on line, I think you need to talk to someone and let out something gut wrenching and really just be able to say what's on your mind, all cuss words involved that you'd like to use and anything goes, no holds barred...

then they are just there to listen and then can hold you afterwards...

I know you have your sister and such but I think a professional or a pastor or someone that you have faith and trust in...

I am so so sorry that this is so heart breaking for you....I can only offer you some ((((BIG HUGS)))) and let you know that we care...

hugging my monitor and hoping that you'll feel that...