The car is running... but I can't make myself go out the door....

((lara)) *sigh.... I'm trying. I am taking ALL the medications the doctors have given me. I see my doctor 2 times a week to be monitored. He loves me, I am thankful I have one who cares so much for me. Course I love him too. He wants me in the hospital, he fears another break down.

I know it sounds odd, and I know it is wrong, but I don't fear it, I welcome it. After Dad killed himself, I did have a break down. But, the wonderful thing about it, is the wonderful bliss of numbness that comes with it. I wouldn't mind being able not to feel all that I do right now.

I am not trying to run from it, or hide from it. I just want a break from it.

I re-read what I wrote... I wish I could say it isn't how I feel, but it is. I do beg God to take us both. I want Lynn's hell to end, more than anything in this world. Yet, I can't fathom being here without him. Yet, I already am.. *sigh

I do have my wonderful family. They have held me when I cry, they know the pain I am in. The trouble is, we are all suffering right now trying to deal with Dad's suicide. I don't want to further burden their weary souls.

I am going to start grief therapy soon, next week. I know it will be a good thing for me. I cry and cry, rant and scream, cry and cry, but it brings no release *sigh

Please know, I am not suicidal. It is not an option for me. Ever. I thank you ((lara)) and you too ((Moi)) for reaching out to me

Ok buck up girl... deep breaths... OK! I am going to see Lynn now.