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Vicc · 12-10-2006, 12:51 AM

Hi all,

Many of you will be glad to read this will probably be my last post on my PROBLEM, at least for a while. Those who have talked about your real concerns for me will be happy to read that it is pretty much upbeat.

Abaski, thank you for your nice words. Those of you who have posted similar sentiments on other threads where I've posted; I know your words were meant to show that you care about me, but I'm probably not going to make sainthood. Ya gotta die first and I'm working very hard to put that day off. Second, in thuth I'm a crothchety old man.

Jose, I don't think you could ask a question that would anger me; I might argue with you, but it would be arguing with a friend. And I won't use the "Jose thread" phrase anymore, I promise.

Artist, Pat, point well taken. I did have a plan; it wasn't a great, or even good, plan, but it was the best I could do at the moment. OK, it was a dumb plan. I realized that when I was too weak to raise my arm Friday afternoon.

I'm not going to accomplish anything in a week or two, I feel I have only one chance of succeeding, so it has to be well planned and executed. So I'm a coward; when I decided to leave in '83 or '84, she came at me from behind with a 26oz glass coke bottle, my daughter screamed just in time for me to react and take it on the shoulder. She has only been violent once since then, but I don't want a big scene or to get hurt, so I will leave in the dark.

One reason I hope this will be my last post about this is that I really wanted one person to truly understand how much pain I'm in and this is truly a life or death situation. I think I finally got through to him. "Him is me", and I credit writing these posts with helping me learn that truth.

I saw that once I began posting here, I had quietly slipped back into my old habit of not eating unless I was hungry. I can't do that; I have to be uncomfortably overfull in order to keep my weight loss down to a pound a month, I have to eat even more if I'm going to gain weight. That will take time.

I will get my lump-sum retirement check on Feb 28 and will have all the money I need to move and buy furniture. Unfortunately, Feb 28 will mark our 42nd anniversary, and she is going to feel violated as it is; so March 15 or so seems a better idea.

Since my decision I have fewer thoughts and feelings, but that has happened before; when I finished a forgiveness program I was great for nearly a month. Still, I hope this decision might free me, if I follow through with it, and I plan to start working on my article again. I have three full months, and that is more than enough time for anyone.

If I can finish it, it will be strong evidence that I made the right decision. If I don't, it will mean that leaving may be my last chance to get better. Either way, I'm leaving. I have been too unhappy for too long. I want to be happy again, but I'll settle for not being this miserable.

(BTW, so no on will accuse me of being a selfish pig, she will get half of the lump-sum and half of my checks; but she will have to apply for SSI and make any necessary appeals. If she should decide to get even by not doing that, or not acting vigorously enough, the settlement will allow me to file to terminate payments to her.

(I don't know how to do stuff like this, so I will make sure the lawyer I choose has actual experience in it. We're not the only two cripples to have divorced in these circumstances).

Since I was about 30, I have tried to be honest with everyone (except myself), and am more than a little uncomfortable living a lie now, acting as if nothing has changed, and find little comfort in telling myself that if she had not lived a lie earlier in our marriage this would never have happened. But I remind myself that if I don't do something for me, I will probably continue to lose weight. Even at only 1# per month, at 130# the rest of my life can probably be measured in months.

I probably won't be posting nearly as often, what with my plans to work on my article, make arrangements and focus on overeating, but I will try to put in a word or so now and then to reassure my friends (some of whom I don't even know), that I'm still alive...Vic

PS: "Filled with hope" was exxageration; "Finally feeling hopeful" is more accurate.