Several years before I applied for SSI, I had a doctor friend encourage me to apply for it and even gave me the name and number of a lawyer he had worked with. He gave me a lot of guidance and support. By the time I hung up the phone, I had forgotten everything he had said. That was how ill I was back then.

No one in my family saw any need to take me for a psychiatric evaluation, despite my borderline existence and incapability to care for myself. When I finally went to a clinic so I could get something for my crushing depression, the diagnosed me the first week and told me to apply for SSI. I was told to call so the clinic employee would fill out all the forms for me. I never called.

I kept going to appointments, trying one medication after another, and one day a doctor who works in another city was there to provide vacation coverage for the regular guy. I told him I was going to use the clinic's services to help me look for a job -- he had obviously reviewed my chart, because he freaked out on me, told me there was no way I could be working and supporting myself. He instructed me that I HAD TO apply for SSI. I made a call and they sent me forms.

I couldn't calm my mind enough to read them, never mind fill them out. It took me weeks to get them done, one question at a time, and it was terrifying. Almost immediately (it seemed like one week), I was rejected. It took a lot of encouragement from doctors to get me to send in the appeal. I was so scared and I truly did not think there was any way I could handle repeated denials and appeals. I could scarcely open envelopes, threw all my mail in the trash, couldn't accurately count the money in my wallet - how could I take on the government when they were set up to fight me?

But within 3 months of getting my award, getting a HUD apartment, and getting it set up for all my bills to be paid by my bank, I could recognize that I wouldn't ever again have my phone or electricity cut off or late rent notices because I couldn't remember to pay them because I was too scared to open the envelopes. I started to have some hope. For the first two years, tho, I never relaxed, for I was sure I would suddenly get a letter telling me that the approval process would be started all over again or that they had decided I didn't need help anymore. This past year, I've finally begun to have a sense of stability in my life - that there is something I can really count on.

I may have only been "in the system" for a few months, but I know how it feels to finally have some financial stability beneath you - And Medicaid in my state is changing in January and I will now finally be able to get all my prescriptions filled every month instead of deciding what got filled and what I would go without (I take 7 meds, but Medicaid only has paid for 3). And DENTAL CARE!! The rewards of economic security and stability are worth it. Stick with it.

Teri