Hi All!!!

Thanks SO much for having my back.

Let me be honest. When a parent goes through this FOR 7 YEARS, and yes, I've done the gammanon thing. When he first left home, began the getting on buses and getting off buses so he could be housed, and maxed out all his credit cards and went to casinos, etc. etc. etc AD NAUSEUM!!!, Alan and I went to our first Gammanon meeting.

You see, YEARS AGO, we did the Tough Love meetings (so we had already learned not to enable). We took him to the Scared Straight program at Rahway prison (just imagine being surrounded by convicted killers inside this cage thing, with all these juvenile delinquents being put on the stage so these convicted killers (who turned out to be very sweet indeed), well, they have the kids up on the stage, and the convicted killers start screaming at them telling them that THEY ARE GOING TO WIND UP IN THAT PRISON UNLESS THEY STRAIGHTEN OUT".

That's when you see the kids start crying because they walked in so high and mighty and walked out all deflated.

And while this is going on, imagine prison gards (outside of the cage), walking around with what looked like AK 47 rifles (I wouldn't know a prison rifle from a machine gun). Yes, we did ALL OF THESE THINGS.

And we did the counseling. Oh, the counseling. We did it ALL!!!

And he changed. At the age of 16 through 20, there were no more incidents. He graduated high school, and went to college on a full scholarship. He designed graphics and websites and he told us he was going to game design school in Arizona.

That never happened. But when you have one child and he is so promising, and you never saw him gamble, then how does one know what that child will end up doing.

Certainly not getting on and off buses, and calling 911 so they could HOUSE HIM FOR THE NIGHT.

He once told me that he was picked up by firemen once (this was in Arizona), and the guy told him "you want to be taken care of? go to California, they'll house you". So he did.

This has been a parent's nightmare. The gambling, (I had no idea what the heck this meant because the only gambling I ever did was the occasional poker game on Christmas with my family (years ago).

Whether this is genetic, or has to do with extrernal environmental triggers, or whatever it is that makes him live in a virtual reality world such as Second Life, make money in that world, and sell the virtual money on other websites (people actually pay REAL money, to buy FAKE money (called Linden dollars), so they can go into Second Life and live out fantasies....

Well, I can't pretend to understand this, but it is what it is.

But when a 27 year old person who has never worked, and knows that his dad is ill, and has NEVER called him and asked about him, (and believe me, I've watched many episodes of INTERVENTION, and I've watched EVERY episode of The Cleaner with Benjamin Bratt....I've learned how the brain works ,,,,we have to face up to our addictions and either let them destroy us (without caring who else it destroys), or we get help.

I have tried for YEARS to get him the help he so desperately needs, but does not want.

When I posted my problem on this board, I needed to have my feelings and actions validated. There is no one I can tell this to. My family is so uncomfortable with what he did, they haven't asked about him in 6 years. TRUE!!! People who can't deal with stuff, well they DON'T.

So I have learned to deal with it myself and take care of ME, and take care of Alan.

Never in all my life did I ever think that the person I gave birth to 27 years ago, would turn out like this. With no regard for anything but the way gambling makes him feel.

Oh, Alan made a very good point last night. I was talking to him and saying "I wonder how he is going to get the money to go back to California from Las Vegas"

I even said to Alan "I was thinking of sending him the $25 bus fare (I know, BAD STUPID THING), but Alan set me straight and said "you are sending him NOTHING". I said 'thanks for bringing me back to the present".

Then we figured it out.

My son lives in California in a voucher program, and gets housing, food, and is his own payee. He has had to fight to be his own payee (2 times), due to his gambling problem.

If he calls the social worker in California for money, they will revoke his payee status and appoint a company to be his payee.

He doesn't want ANYONE else controlling him.

So he called me up asking for $200 thinking "well, she'll give me $200. I'll go back to the Casino, I'll WIN BIG" and all will be fine.

He was wrong.

Alan just asked me "I wonder how he will get home". I said "he's gone 27 years without ever working a day in his life, and he has an apartment, a computer, a tv, dvd player, dsl line, etc." DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM, HE'S CREATIVE.

I am thinking that he will probably go knocking on church rectories telling the people that he was mugged and needs to get home. That might work.

Or, if he's done that and there's no one to give him "going home money", that the only thing he CAN do is go to his nearest GA meeting, lie to them, and promise he'll go to GA when he gets back home, thinking that they will give him the money to get the bus home.

I don't know if they would fall for that.

My son is extremely creative, manipulative and controlling.

Too bad he didn't use these gifts to make himself a better person.

Alan is heart broken over this.

Me??? I shall continue to grow my sprouts, eat my veggies, and go for a walk.

I can't let my son or anything negative or toxic BRING ME BACK TO THAT PLACE WHERE I WAS YEARS AGO, when he began this destructive behavior.

The worst was when he was crying suicide (and the first time he did that), Alan and I re-arranged the living room furniture because we thought we would be having people coming over the next day to sit with us while we mourned.

Just imagine going through that.

No, I did this 7 years ago. I'm not moving any more furniture.

I give people (who deal with this and can't say no), well, I give them credit. They do this to be able to live with themselves.

I've LEARNED how to live with myself.

Took 7 years.

Thank you very much for listening and letting me vent.

It was needed.

Melody