Okay, so let me put my question out there.

My son, who had been initially diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (believe me, he was evaluated by MANY people while he was doing the getting on and off buses and winding up in emergency rooms), from Arizona to California, UNTIL (and this was only one doc), he was a specialist in dealing with CHILDREN WITH ASPERGERS not adults.

He was evaluating my son, and that night, my son phoned me and said:

"Guess what, I have a new diagnoses, I have ASPERGERS". To say I've never heard of this is putting it mildly. I said "I thought you had Narcissistic Personality disorder" And he said:

"Well, the doctor said "I know exactly what's wrong with you, you have Aspergers"

I was able to phone that particular doctor. (And this is a miracle unto itself because psychiatrists don't speak to parents of young adults over the age if 18), But my son signed a waiver or something to that effect.

I asked the doctor "does he gamble because he has Aspergers, or is just a gambler??"

I was told "The fact that he has aspergers disorder contributes to every single decision that he makes. He is immature, compuslive, impulsive blah blah".

I then said "But he went to college on a full scholarship and aced all his tests, so we know he's not stupid".

He said "People with aspergers have normal intelligence but can't read social clues, they are clumsy in social settings".

My son had friends as a child, and even went to a school dance at the age of 12, where he had the time of his life.

He was never A PLAYER, in the world of guys and gals, if you can understand this. He was a loner who stayed in his room, did his school work, and went on the computer (doing whatever he did on the computer) Who knew about online gambling 10 years ago, not me!!

So Alan and went to our first Aspergers Support group. No one there discussed any addictions. It was comprised of about 50 men and 3 women.

90% of the men were nothing like my son who appears perfectly normal, could have perfectly normal conversations, (well, before he left us that is).

These guys at this meeting in New York City, well, it was the most fascinating thing I have ever seen. Out of the 50, two were clearly autistic (not so much as Rainman), but they lived in group homes, they spoke in a higher pitched voice, (well, YOU KNEW SOMETHING WAS NOT RIGHT).

Some of the others were just very immature. There was a 50 year old who just wanted to learn how to clean his apartment. He had a job, he had money, but he didn't know how to clean 3 rooms.

The topic of the day at this support meeting was "how to meet woman, learn what they mean, and go on a date"

I'm sitting there in a room with men in their 50's who had never approached a woman. These men had jobs, these men WERE ALL DIAGNOSED WITH ASPERGERS, and these men had gone to MIT and other colleges, but had nervous breakdowns after college when they had to go into the real world.

NONE OF THEM CAME ACROSS LIKE MY SON

Oh, that's not true. One guy waltzed in, very arrogant, very very self assured announcing his name, (he was around 23) and said "okay, my name is (whatever his name was), and I have Aspergers and Tourettes, and now that we have that out of the way, let's get on with this meeting".

I just looked at him. The moderator told him to settle down.

Alan and just looked at each other. Because we were the NEW parents, the whole meeting basically involved around my son and we got all sort of feedback.

The moderator (who was absolutely wonderful, sociable, normal in every way possible), explained about Aspergers, etc.

But the most interesting fact was the guys who sat on their haunches. They were over 40, college grads, DID NOT WORK, were on SSI, were very sweet, but they sat on the chair, and squatted on their legs.

To say we thought this absurd is putting it mildly. But we did not know about Aspergers at the time. One guy stimmed all the time, with his finger tips. Frank used to do this nervous habit sometimes when he laughed, but I didn't know it was stimming.

The thing that confuses me is that the guy sitting in front of us was clearly autistic and the other guy who announced who he was was not clearly autistic, and they both had the same diagnosis.

This is what confuses me. Am I to believe that Aspergers (this is what I've been told), is a spectrum disorder and you can be like Rainman or you can be normal and blend in (just like the moderator of that meeting, who had had specific ABA therapy.

And I've been on forums where men with Aspergers come across as narcissistic, self indulgent, (the world revolves around me, and I don't owe anyone anything), THIS IS MORE LIKE MY SON'S WAY OF THINKING.

How the heck can one disorder present IN SO MANY VARIOUS WAYS.

Extremely confusing.

I can only respond to the behavior that is being processed at me. Whether or not the person has one diagnosis or another diagnosis, if that person is selfish, self indulgent, malignant, narcissistic, WHATEVER, it makes no difference to me what his diagnosis is, BECAUSE TOXIC IS TOXIC.

And one psychiatrist once told my son "what may eventually save you is your intelligence".

So we have an almost 28 year old man who lives in a virtual world, gambles on the internet, and when he makes money in SL, he goes to Vegas and loses everything, and who obviously does not consider anyone but himself.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ASPERGERS DISORDER????

I mean, depending on who I ask, I've been told "no, this doesn't sound anything like Aspergers, it sounds like he's a narcissist". and I've also been told "no, he has more than one diagnosis going on besides the Aspergrs".

I've also been told "Well, it sounds like he has Peter Pan Syndrome", meaning "I won't grow up".

Since I will never know what the heck his actual diagnosis is, I am left to make a determination.

Do I want contact with a self, self indulgent VAMPIRE, who literally makes me spasm, be constipated, and gives me a pain in my heart?

I don't.

I fell bad because I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.

But it is what it is.

I've read the Vampire thing, the snakes in suits thing, the malignant self love thing.

I've met sociopaths who have no conscience, men who use women. (I once was involved with a man (this was when I was 28 years old).

I was madly in love (I was naive I gather because I believed him and why wouldn't I because there were no clues).

He stayed with me from Friday night till Monday Morning. Every single holiday, every single weekend. He met my family. They adored him. He was very sweet, and came off as a darling 24 year old guy.

He did not live near me so that's why we saw each other on the weekends.

I also met HIS family. I was invited to meet his mom, his grandmother, his sister and I went there for dinner.

Something was off in that family, he knew it, I knew it, so I never went back. But we had our relationship and we interacted with all MY friends and they loved him. And his friends came over for the weekend and I cooked and we had laughs.

What I'm trying to get across is that all this socializing did so IN MY NECK OF THE WOODS.

He worked during the week, I never questioned his not coming over during the week because I also worked.

He once showed up at my work place with a Rose for each of my co-workers. I thought it was strange that a man would do this for my co-workers but they ADORED THIS GESTURE.

We all went out to lunch and he walked out arm in arm with two of my female co-workers, one of whom said to me "you are SO lucky to have such a thoughtful boyfriend".

We even spoke of marriage. He met my family, etc.

Well, one day, he disapperared from my life. I tried calling but the number did not work, and I did not have a number for his family and they lived way away from me and I did not drive (he did).

I almost went out of my mind. We had not been fighting, we had not been ANYTHING. He just disappeared. I almost had a nervous breakdown.

One day, 3 months later his friend called me and I said: 'oh my god, is he alrights, what happened?" and he was very sad when he explained the whole thing to me.

He said (and I'll never forget this conversation until the day I did and it was over 30 years ago).

He said:

"what he did to you was not right". I said "what do you mean, what he did to me, is he all right, is he hurt, is he dead??"

The response??

"He got married". I said "He got married???" Who the hell did he marry?"

He said "the person he was living with". I said:

"He was living with me from Friday to Monday and sometimes Tuesday"

He said "yeah I know, but he was living with her from Tuesday till Friday".

I STILL DID NOT GET THIS.

I said "What are you talking about, where did she think he was from Friday till Monday and all the Christmases, and all the holiday, and Thanksgiving"??

(our relationship was over one year by the way).

He continued: (and this was very hard to swallow).

SHE HAD HER OWN THING GOING. She lived with another man during the weekends.

I just stared at the phone. I never knew people did this.

I said "And he married a woman who was leading a double life, why would he marry her". And he said "Because she gave him $10,000".

To say that I almost lost my mind over this is putting it mildly.

I could barely trust anyone after this.

So to have my son do basically the same thing to me, is why I have the walls up, the boundaries up, and the heart that really wants to heal, and feel again, but is having one heck of a time.

I'm sure you all get what I mean.

And thanks for listening.

Melody