((Moi)) such a beautiful post, I love the way you think and write

((Pono)) keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hoping the lil ones birthing goes smoothly, and helps you see a brighter light, hope, to hang on.

Autumn use to be my favorite season.. My Dad once told me there would come a time, when Spring would take its place. I am not sure how he could have know 25 years before it happened? But he is right. Autumn marks an end ... with Winter to follow. As beautiful as the changing leaves are, as much as they still have the power to awe me, now, inside me is a deep sadness that comes with it as well.

Now Spring, the season of renewed hope is my favorite. Yet not this year. Dad took that from me as well. Last night, I stood outside smelling the air after our first Spring rain..... something so remarkable about that scent! Looking in the distance, I could see a bridge. Bridges have never had any special connection to me, other than I fear going over the larger ones.

Yet, The thoughts I had about that bridge gave me more hope and peace than this world can now provide.

This morning while leaving my friends place, they are headed back home I was overcome with sadness in my life, my heart, my soul…. and said I wanted to start walking while they finished packing. I headed for the bridge.

I am not suicidal. Suicide is not an option for me. Ever. Yet, I am not sure why I wanted to reach that bridge so badly. I just knew it offered me peace. The car pulled up to pick me up, just as I entered the sidewalk to the bridge. I knew I had to get in that car, but the allure of that bridge was calling me. It still is. I got in the car, and did as ((Moi)) has suggested many times... I sat on my hands and breathed deeply.

I am home, but home just isn’t home any more. I am so friggin sick of saying good-bye it literally makes me sick. The urge to get in my car and just drive and drive and drive…….drive……is overwhelming.

Hope springs eternal my ***! One has to work damn hard to find their own hopes, reasons to hold on. I’m working overtime right now, but I will find a reason. We all will, we just need to keep searching and reaching out, and beyond our comfort zone. The thoughts are there… but we can’t give up, none of us… we know the hell left behind to the innocent victims left behind with suicide. No, it is not an option. Not a good one any way!!

The sun is out, I think I will go sit on my hands outside for awhile. Much love my friends