Quote:
Originally Posted by Nik-key
((Moi)) such a beautiful post, I love the way you think and write 
((Pono)) keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hoping the lil ones birthing goes smoothly, and helps you see a brighter light, hope, to hang on.
Autumn use to be my favorite season.. My Dad once told me there would come a time, when Spring would take its place. I am not sure how he could have know 25 years before it happened? But he is right. Autumn marks an end ... with Winter to follow. As beautiful as the changing leaves are, as much as they still have the power to awe me, now, inside me is a deep sadness that comes with it as well.
Now Spring, the season of renewed hope is my favorite. Yet not this year. Dad took that from me as well. Last night, I stood outside smelling the air after our first Spring rain..... something so remarkable about that scent! Looking in the distance, I could see a bridge. Bridges have never had any special connection to me, other than I fear going over the larger ones.
Yet, The thoughts I had about that bridge gave me more hope and peace than this world can now provide.
This morning while leaving my friends place, they are headed back home  I was overcome with sadness in my life, my heart, my soul…. and said I wanted to start walking while they finished packing. I headed for the bridge.
I am not suicidal. Suicide is not an option for me. Ever. Yet, I am not sure why I wanted to reach that bridge so badly. I just knew it offered me peace. The car pulled up to pick me up, just as I entered the sidewalk to the bridge. I knew I had to get in that car, but the allure of that bridge was calling me. It still is. I got in the car, and did as ((Moi)) has suggested many times... I sat on my hands and breathed deeply.
I am home, but home just isn’t home any more. I am so friggin sick of saying good-bye it literally makes me sick. The urge to get in my car and just drive and drive and drive…….drive……is overwhelming.
Hope springs eternal my ***! One has to work damn hard to find their own hopes, reasons to hold on. I’m working overtime right now, but I will find a reason. We all will, we just need to keep searching and reaching out, and beyond our comfort zone. The thoughts are there… but we can’t give up, none of us… we know the hell left behind to the innocent victims left behind with suicide. No, it is not an option. Not a good one any way!!
The sun is out, I think I will go sit on my hands outside for awhile. Much love my friends |
LOVE to you ALL
first b4 forget again ...
((Moi)) thanks - for this, sharing-thoughts, more....
agree w/ dear ((NIK)):
grouphug:to both, ALL here in this special family~
'ohana"
where all thougts, feelings, more shared means so much, touches deeply..
connecting when feel lost, empty, alone.... thanks ALL
its' taken awhile to get back here, to come back to SPRING --
on this cold windy SNOW day.... the season I feel within manifests outside.... as snow covers ground, blankets those first brave spring flowers.
Winter clings.... and this long intense winter seems to stream back & connect to last year in so many ways....
Last year i so looked forward to spring....during very 'bad' winter but ...
literally 'missed' spring , and most of summer.....
them FALL came, not as glorious as other Autumnal beauty can be but what this seasonwas, meant-- harbinger of WINTER...
thats hung so tightly ... so long...
and continues, now still winter.... in so many ways....
i "know" SPRING is 'here' officially .... but hard to see, feel, 'appreciate' what is...now ...
Grief, pain, Loss... more that's of Winter-- dark cold 'death' feelings
trying to see, feel that Hope, Renewal, ReBirth the essence of Spring...
get back in 'tune' Harmony with cycles, Seasons... Life...
)
((Nikki))) thanks again, for sharing more.... your thoughts, feelings, about SEASONS...
the Bridge... calling you to 'cross' ......
your feelings of wanting to go... to drive & drive....
i understand... ( i thinks??
i tried to explaint this but don't know if did/can -- said i wanted to 'fly' away.... not walk or run from.... but 'fly'--
to someting "better" beyond this, that is, what is "here' now....
Let go and fly...
to warmth, 'better place' ...in that Larger World...
to new begininngs, Renewal, ReBirth... Spring..
into new cycle... Season in this LIfe...
NIKKI... you said so much i too feel, so much better than i ..... about HOPE
yes its 'there' but indeed Hard, seems constant 'fight' to maintain, attain...
but.... we do, are, trying to find way, reasons, strength, more..... to go on....
we must... or .... well, that's NOT an option, as you said dear sista Nikki...
ps little one did come --All doing well... my sis's first grandchild--she's very happy, and for her their family this Birth 'helps' heal. Loss of our DF...
baby will be named in honor of GreatGrandFather--my dad....
so they celebrate Spring with this New Life....
every end has a beginning; every beginning an end....