((Pono)) I came here earlier and read all your posts, and your PM.... was crying too hard to reply... so will try again now......

I feel we are kindred spirits in many ways. The physical pain of our shared disease, the emotional hell of loss and consuming grief....I feel I know what is in your heart, as it is also in mine. There just are not words to describe the pain. I know how badly it feels, and I know how hard it is to hang on. I feel inspired by your strength and will to fight. Not just one battle, but many.. and the fight, must be fought every single day. You amaze me And I love you

This whole forum family, the love shared, the strength lent, the giving, amazes me

Since I was a child, I have had that urge to fly. Odd I always thought. But now, looking back with a new understanding.... not so odd at all. I had a traumatic childhood, even then I was looking for an escape. I think that is what you are saying dear pono. These feelings, these needs to take flight, either with wings, or driving, or..... perhaps these are our minds way of helping us cope, until we can find our way out of the darkness.

This part is hard for me, but we must keep talking… so I will… deep breath....The bridge, I did not want to cross it. More, I wanted to jump from it and be swallowed up by the comforting waters below. The thoughts it provoked did bring me comfort and even peace. But ((Alffe)) is right! I know it with everything I am. I know the hell survivors must try to endure. It is not an option for me. I have never had any thoughts along that line with a bridge in my whole life! Yet, I saw it, and I could not stop those thoughts. I didn't want them. I thought I was in a better place than that.

I am mad at myself that those thoughts even entered my mind. It is a weakness I will not allow myself. Let me be very clear about this, I am not saying people who have these thoughts are weak!! I am saying for me, personally, I feel it a weakness in me to have them. I am going to face that bridge again, it is something I feel I must do.

Life is hard. It damn well just outright sucks sometimes!! Tragic things happen to good people. Love is not always enough. Hope is not something one is given, it is something one must work for, strive for, desire to achieve. I love with all I am, this makes me hurt with all I am as well. I want to close my heart, to never love again... to never hurt this badly again. But what a waste of the precious gift of life that would be.

It hurts like hell, but I will not let the demons that drove my Dad to kill himself take that control over me. I HATE that I need to see doctors. I HATE that I need to take medications. I HATE how weak it makes me feel. Yet, is not one stronger who seeks help, than one who just gives up? I certainly think so.

I see that here, every single day... in all of us. Fighters, survivors, each of us in our own wars. But, when one is down, when life seems too hard... we rally around each other, tie those knots for each other to help us hang on. Keep talking, keep sharing. The dark can be a scary place, but here... here there is always light!! With that light, there is hope.

Much love my friends