Quote:
Originally Posted by reverett123
I use up enough bandwidth as it is.  But I am coming out of a trough now, having been through a month of hell. Like Steve, I have been noticing some things about emotions and how they affect my ability to function.
As I have mentioned before, I was a real estate developer for the last eight years and have been fighting to salvage something from the wreckage. That comes down to eleven old mobile homes that were in such bad shape that the bank didn't want them as collateral back when the loan was made. So the plan is to fix them up and sell them cheap and on credit to have a small income for three or four years. Unfortunately, most of the "fix up" part falls on my already stressed out, anxiety racked wife. Things have been very tense in our home for the last month, to put it mildly.
As a result, I had the conditions to observe a de facto experiment on the way stress hits my symptoms. All my life I have been the proverbial "cool cucumber" sort. The only thing that could get to me were things that affected her. Everything else rolled away like water off a duck.
So, I found myself trapped by PD and unable to escape as she became more and more distraught, racked by fear, frustration, rage, and a dozen other emotions. I was literally in "melt down". I found myself more than once curled up on the floor too weak to move.
As the work has progressed, her load has lightened and the atmosphere improved. But I had doubled my meds and was still barely functional. And the slightest mention of the project by her was like someone let the air out of my balloon. Even worse, I noticed that it was not just the topic, but I was reacting to her! Then I remembered something Harley had said when her marriage was falling apart. About how the doctors had noticed that her symptoms got worse when her soon-to-be-ex was in the room.
I had developed an aversion to my wife as a result of the combination of her intense emotion combined with my own trapped helplessness! Just as Harley had developed one for her ex! Once I realized what was going on, I used self-hypnosis and the fact that the worst was over to regain control of the reaction. I have improved greatly over the last week and am nearly back to normal, for me.
The experience has left me a lot to think about. At the worst stage she was filled with rage at the world and I and three dogs would do our best to blend into the furniture. The situation brought up strong echoes from my childhood and my raging alcoholic father. Even though in both cases the rage was not directed at me, still the feelings were the same. Trapped. Helpless. Awash in stress chemicals.
Much to think about, indeed. |
Bingo!!..Like I had mentioned Rick..I have things on the conscious, and sub-conscious level eating away at me, and this is why I have been having so much difficulty managing symptoms right now..I know for sure that I did not progress this much in a matter of a few weeks, and I know calling my neuro about it is a waste of time, because the answer to my problems/feelings right now is getting to the end of the process of letting go..Ive seen what emotional crap does to pd..You mentioned Harley as an example..I saw first hand what emotional tumoil does to her..It litterally puts her on the floor, incapacitated..I know what it does to me..My symptoms get unmanageable, and medication doesnt rescue me from it..and the more I dwell on the object/s of my malcontent, the worse my symptoms get, and whats worse, is when Im in the middle of a crisis, I take more Sinemet, and naturally it is futile, because it doesnt take away the emotional upheavals contributing to my condition, so the answer is, letting go of the things I cannot change, and refusing to take a/another bite out of the fruit from the poison tree..Not always easy..It is like an internal, and external tug of war, and somewhere along the line, I have to take the initiative, to make a conscious effort to let go of the rope, and allow God, if I have faith in Him, and time and patience to heal all wounds
I blew the transmission in my truck two weeks ago today..I brought it to the shop, to a mechanic I have never done business with, because he is close by, within walking distance..The truck was supposed to be done last Tuesday..So last Friday I paid him a visit and asked him what the story was?..He told me his tale of woes, and promised it would be ready on Tuesday..yesterday..Well, it sat out in his lot all day, and he never called me..So in a little while I have to go back there and confront him again, cuz I am riding around in a van that I bought a while back, that I no longer need, and my daughter wants it, and is flying down here from North Carolina of Friday, and is going to drive the van back home on Sunday..So if my truck is not fixed by Friday, then that means no transportation untill next week, when this dude gets up off his *** and finishes the job, never mind the $1500 that he is going to charge me, so needless to say, I am not happy with him at the moment..Two weeks??..Come on!!..That is unacceptable..but if I dwell on it, I am the one who suffers