Hi I am sorry for your mental and physical pain. I can not relate completly but was in a pain prorgam that was full days that was with many people who were addicted to pain killers. I do not have this problem but was wondering if you had health insurance and could get into a program similar?They do not allow narcotics at all and the only meds are like the ones you are taking. This is not a program for everyone like for myself who even they felt needed more intervention pain med or treatment wise but I can see where if you are in a place similar to what you are stating it can really be a good thing. They do a combo of things like PT and mental coping/groups.
On a side note I do suffer from depression/anxiety. I had this severe for many years before this and my other physical conditions. Then it did get to a good point but now since I have so many limitations and am in such high pain I felt my anxiety and depression were needing more support. I am a full beleiver that you don't wait till it becomes a suicide or crisis point. So I encourage you to see some of the signs you are stating and get more support now rather then later. I understand your bad experiences with a T but that was because they were a bad person but a new T can really help you and support you through this hard process. Many will work on a sliding scale. If you want you can email me as supports can be very helpful or anyone else too I am here. You are not alone and I hope you don't truly see yourself as messed up. Yes you may have some problems now but as my psych says who doesn't. You can get through this in a healthy way.Cutting and drug abuse is not the way and only numbs you for a short while and eventially to get past or through the problems you have to face the. You may have to do things that you don't like to though for a better life and push past many fears.
Hugs to all.