Ada, I'm so sorry you are hurting, hon. It's part of the process you must go thru, and actually means you are healing, which is a good thing. Don't worry yet about going thru his things. There is no rush to do that. Let yourself heal. You'll know when you're ready. It could be tomorrow....or it could be next year, or 10 years from now. It doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be done by any certain time.

Perhaps while you have the kids there, you could also do a project about Bill that all of you can work on together. Maybe a scrapbook of him, or a shadowbox. Purchase the supplies, and perhaps think of either a piece of clothing, or one special item that reminds you of him, and use that as the centerpiece for your shadowbox, and surround it with other objects of his, and decorate it as you wish. The kids can make their own, and keep it in their rooms at your place, or at home. A nice way to remember Grandpa. Or, you can make a nice photo cd with music in the background. But be prepared for lots of tears.

But tears aren't necessarily a bad thing. Tears can be very cleansing. And going thru photos can be also. Because along with the tears when you go thru photos will be happy memories, and SMILES.

You will have sleepless nights, hon. It's guaranteed. I don't think you're getting "worse" as time goes on. I think it's the holidays, and the first holiday after a loved one passes is always the hardest. So the closer it gets to Christmas, the rougher it's going ot be for you. You feel you're "supposed" to be in a festive mood, but you can't. You're fighting that inside too. Trying to keep normalcy is going against what you FEEL also, but necessary for the boys. That's okay, too, cuz it's also helping you.

it's not going to be easy. Nobody said it would be. But it's a process. Remember, there are 5 stages of grief, and this is only the first stage. As long as you progress thru them, you are making progress. And you have friends and family who ADORE you Ada. Here and in real life. You are't alone. And Bill is watching over you, always. He's even watching you as you lie awake at night thinking of him, and he's holding you and keeping you warm in his light.

I wish there was something I could do...but I know there's not. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and know I'm only an email away if you need to talk. And know you are loved...