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BJ · 04-12-2009, 05:27 PM

I know I haven't been around in what feels like forever......I have been thinking about you all.

I have lurked once or twice but I felt I needed to just back away and stop reading so many triggering posts until I could get my head on straight.

After my last session with my tdoc I really got something.....I’ve joined the human race. It may seem like a no brainer but when all your years growing up you bought into the idea that you were subhuman, everyone was better than you, everything you did was shameful, etc....you have it imprinted not only on the brain but inside your heart. After Mark did what he did I couldn’t live up to my dad’s expectations and from that day on I despised myself. My tdoc has been telling me over and over that I’m worth it and I sort of got it in my brain but not in my heart.

Since everyone was supposed to be better than me and I was always striving to be good/perfect which of course was impossible, I continually was surprised when people did mean things, never really understanding why it shocked me. I get it now, it challenged my thoughts actually about who I am and that everyone is better.

I used to sometimes just hate the idea of human beings, how mean, etc.....that so many people just betray others......the cruelty, etc. but my tdoc kept talking about the good and bad in each of us, that people are just being people and yes you will be hurt sometimes, many times.

I really get it now, and the weight is lifted from me. I don't need to constantly try to be perfect, I don't feel betrayed by others and I do not have to take it personally. I can do good things, bad things and anything in between, I am not perfect and I am just trying to get by in this world the best I know how, like everyone else. When others fail, gossip, lie, do things not so nice, like my coworkers, I do not have to feel surprised or betrayed because humans fail. Humans have a vast array of capabilities within themselves, some are good and some are not so good. And I’ve come to accept that. More importantly I have to love myself.

I think I had lost some compassion for others. I think I got it back, and I also have a new found compassion for myself as well. I have 3 more ECTs to go and I think all my hard work is paying off. I was really struggling and was using SI as a way to punish myself. My pdoc suggested another series of ECTs and I agreed because it helped before. I hate them and hate the headaches but I’m still alive, that’s how bad I felt.

I’ll struggle with this from time to time but it is something I just got in my heart, not just my head. It puts a whole new slant on life and people.