Thank you for the warm welcome, everyone. And thank you for helping me to not feel so guilty.

My neurologist says I have bulging disks according to the MRI's he has on record. But my primary physician says I don't have by the MRI results he has. I'm going to ask my neurologist on Friday about it and see if he'll call my primary doctor. I'm tired of feeling like my primary doctor thinks I'm just trying to get more medication. I'm surely not. I don't want to be a zombie and I'm already on enough medication. I don't want anymore. I just want to be able to live independently and be able to go for "walks" and to the store and library and such without depending on someone else to take me or not being able to go at all.

When I first got this way, I spent a few years unable to sleep for the burning and not able to go do the shopping or anything I needed to do because I couldn't walk that far. The girls had to start doing the shopping when they were only ten and eight, bless their hearts, because I couldn't make it the four blocks to the store and back. Now I have more comfort so I can sleep at night, but the neuropathy has progressed to where I have so much pain in my back that I can't stand up long enough to do housework and dishes. The girls are pitching in to help really well, though, and that's nice.

When I finally got medical coverage through the Oregon Health Plan, I started out with a doctor here who put me on Neurontin. That made my legs swell up till they were like tree stumps and I started getting symptoms of congestive heart failure. I know what that is because I've worked in hospitals and adult foster homes--even owned one of the latter---and that quack tried to get me to continue increasing it! He said the patients he had who were on it said that the medication just made them THINK they couldn't breathe. He was in his first practice and I doubt he had a whole slew of patients on Neurontin since I was one of his very first patients. And I know when I can't breathe and my lungs are getting congested when I don't have a cold. So I switched to the doctor I have now who really listens to me and he sent me to a neurologist and then over the past couple of years, things have been getting better, thank goodness.

I guess my guilt over using the power chair is probably because I've never been able to just give myself any kind of break if I was sick or hurt. I always had to keep on going and not quit. It's like I'm feeling like it's too good to be true.

And I know a lot of people who can't walk at all wish they didn't have to use a chair and here I am, when I can still stay up on my feet, wanting to use one! But if I could have found a mobility scooter this cheap, that's what I'd have done. There's very little difference, after all, except for handlebars.

Another thing I'm dealing with though, is that with the power chair in the living room, it's hitting me more that I'm not and probably won't ever be again the person I used to be. Now it's like I'm kind of wimping out, isn't it?