Ok, just sitting here crying. I have been trying to post this since Dad's anniversary last month, March 14th... but I haven't been able to......

I went to my Mom's (step mom) on Dad's anniversary. She had asked me last year if I wanted to view Dad's medical reports, his blood work and test, from the ER and doctors visits the week before. She got them in the mail, 3 days after he killed himself.

I did NOT want to see them then. I needed to believe Dad had cancer. I needed to believe that he "knew" he had cancer. I needed to believe that he had taken his life because he did not want us to suffer as he had watching his brother die of the same cancer. I needed to believe there was a reason, SOME REASON, to explain how Dad could have killed himself.

Out of the blue, on my visit with Mom that day... I asked her if I could see the letters with his test results. I wish to God I hadn't!!!!

Dad did not have cancer. All of his test results came back perfect. PERFECT! I know depression, and mental illness play a massive roll in one being able to take their own life. But...... I needed to believe, his mental condition was because he knew the cancer was back.

Now what do I do? How am I suppose to make any sort of sense out of this? He was sober, not on drugs, and in body at least, he was "perfectly healthy". Now what? I tell people I lost my Dad to depression? I just can not wrap my brain around this.

This is a man who always had a smile on his face. Not just a smile, but one that touched his eyes and made them twinkle. This is a man who served almost 25 years in the military! He was so strong!!! This man, is my hero!! For the love of God, someone tell me .... HOW did this happen??? HOW did I not KNOW???????

Damn..... this hurts deeply......