((sabi)) ((alffe)) ((lara)) Thank you

The anniversary was so hard, I was overcome with emotions. I blame this for my lack of thinking. I never should have read those reports.

I am doing worse than I was. I just don't have anything to cling to now. I keep thinking, like you said Alffe.. it doesn't change the end result... that it only mattered what he believed. But, that isn't true is it? At least not for me...

For me it changes everything. (please do not get mad at me ) In my mind at least -there is a big difference between suicide for the terminally ill, and suicide because you damn well just give up. I couldn't accept that my brave heroic father could be taken down this way, it HAD to be cancer.

Now I am just stunned. He didn't have cancer.... this can only mean that Dad is gone because he couldn't find the strength to hold on any longer. He hurt so severely that he could believe life was not worth living.
That kills me!

How could he be in that much pain, and nobody know? How could I not know? HOW is that possible???!!!!!

Then I think on how all the things he taught me. We talked so many times about my disease, the pain, he told me over and over and over again...you just have to keep fighting, Never give up Nik!! Yet, he did

And what is worse, what eats me up.. is he couldn't even tell me.

Why, why couldn't he have just reached out to me?

How could he possibly think THIS was the answer?

How could he not know his suicide would totally destroy all who loved him?

Why didn't he love me enough to hold on?

I have a song playing in my mind a lot since I found out. It just sprang to mind and it is so fitting. I just cry my heart out every time I listen to it.. I would stop listening to it, but.... I would still be crying my heart out.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=io1WSolwlcw

Artist: Blaine Larsen
Song: How Do You Get That Lonely
Album:

Lyrics :

It was just another story written on the second page
Underneath the Tiger's football score
It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age
They found him face down on the bedroom floor

There'll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home
Then out on Mooresville highway, they'll lay him 'neath a stone...

(Chorus)
How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know

Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun?
Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol?
Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son?
Did no one see the writing on the wall?

I'm not blamin' anybody, we all do the best we can
I know hindsight's 20/20, but I still don't understand...

(Chorus)

How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know

It was just another story printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger's football score...