Awwww, (((Nikki))).

I've always said I'd rather "know" (about medical things) than be in the dark. I was glad to Know I had MS, instead of the strange and unexplained symptoms driving me crazy with unanswered questions.

But, after reading your post, I can see how I would rather NOT know something like that. Your poor Dad, he must have been in so much mental anguish to let it cloud his ability to rationalize and think clearly.

He must not have realized how personally you and your siblings would take it, else he would not have done it. Remember, he did not commit suicide to hurt anyone. He did it (I would think) to end his own pain. It is nobody's fault.

And that's what makes it so hard. It's easier to cope with loss if you can blame it on Something, Anything. But those lingering questions and "What Ifs" can drive you crazy.

Honestly, Nikki, (IMHO) you're going to have to proactively seek out something to distract you from dwelling on the "What Ifs." I worry that you will never be able to move forward if you don't get involved in something that keeps your mind occupied.

Didn't you say awhile back that you intended on helping with the suicide prevention? Have you done any more with that goal?

It is not my intention to offend you, dear Nikki. Please forgive me if I have overstepped my bounds. I know you are a good listener and that it helps to have folks to bounce ideas off of. I assume you began this thread in order to hear back from people who know and care about you. I am one of those people who cares. You remain in my prayers.