Soon, my Grandma will be gone from this world. I have never questioned my faith before, but watching her suffer from the cancer and broken hip these last few months has been trying. Suddenly, I find myself less sure there is something more after this life. Why is that?

Is it just that this seems so unfair to put a good and loving woman through so much? She watched her only child (my mom) die of cancer, was victimized financially by her son-in-law, and started down the road of dementia. She finally moved in with us and we were just really in a rhythm of living together and having fun and making memories and she falls and breaks her hip. Then, the other shoe dropped and she was dx'd with small cell lung cancer. She hasn't had a normal moment since 1/17. Why her? She was always so loving and giving.

I have always been so close to her and she is my last elder relative and I don't think she will be with me anymore by this time next week. One part of me hopes she won't be (so that she will be at peace) - another part can't bear the thought.

I guess maybe it is losing my last elder relative that makes me so scared of not ever seeing any of them again. I never thought I would be the oldest living member of my original family at only age 39!

She keeps talking to my Grandpa (he passed away in 1994). I really hope he is here talking to her. That gives me a little hope. I guess I still have faith, but I'm a little scared that it is not as strong as it once was.