Thank you, everyone. I guess the thing that bothers me is that I have really never allowed doubt to creep in. Faith is believing without proof and here I am desperately wanting proof. That just feels wrong. I talked to my pastor about it and he told me this was normal right now.

I just didn't go through this when my mom died - maybe because she was on the other side of the country and I never went through the day to day part of it. The last time I saw my mom alive was before it got so bad. That is how she wanted it, but my poor Grandma had to watch it day after day.

The hospice organization is wonderful, for the most part. I'm quite a bit less than thrilled with her nurse, though. The aides have been great and there is plenty of help with supplies and meds. For some reason, though, I am struggling to really take advantage of everything they offer like volunteers. I have always had trouble asking for help. I just always figure we are doing OK and so we should leave those resources for people who really need them. I don't like to take advantage too much.