Originally Posted by DonaldMParker

Hey debryan1952,

After many years of alcohol and drug abuse, I was finally diagnosed with bipolar 20 years ago, and, along with getting clean and sober, proper therapy and commitment to my medication regime, I've had a very stable couple of decades. My TBI 8 years ago is a separate issue.

I spent over 18 of my sober years as a drug prevention educator for youth and an alcohol awareness speaker for colleges. I will share some insight with you.

First off, I would suggest exploring the term: "Enabler" using the internet to find appropriate material to study. Realizing the part an enabler plays in the addict's life, is the first stage in removing guilt from the equation, for you.

I would like to share with you a concept I taught in a workshop many years ago now. It is the model of The Drama Triangle. For any drama to perpetuate, there must be three main characters: The Victim, The Persecutor, The Rescuer.

For an alcoholic or drug addict, they are playing the starring role of Victim. They also flit back and forth, persecuting others who try to help, and rescuing everyone with new platitudes or promises to get it together, this time will be different.

The Rescuer does everything in their power to fix the situation. They help to the point of total frustration. They end up also playing the victim, while the alcoholic temporarily takes on the role of persecutor.

The Persecutor is the cop, the banker, the treatment center, the wife, and everyone else who the victim thinks is screwing them.

For you, the rescuer, to get out of this drama created by the victim or addict, you must refuse to play the game anymore. That means dropping the script. Even if you have to say out loud, "I am not going to play this game anymore, and will not rescue you. I choose not be victimized by this unacceptable behavior. I will not play policeman trying to put your life in order for you. It is time you take 100% responsibility for your life!"

Because you refuse to play the game, and consciously step OUT of the drama triangle, the addict or Victim, will most likely try to persecute you, blaming you for their lot in life and other distasteful words. Allow them to vent as necessary. Do not try to rescue at this delicate time. Avoid laying into the addict with a really "heavy" session of release; merely state the facts calmly, gently, and with compassion.

There will be a shift in the alcoholic. They will do 1 of 2 things. First, they may start to see the light and decide to begin taking 100% responsibility for their lives. Second, and quite likely in many cases, they will find others to rescue them, or persecute them. The need to carry around scripts is vital to their identity at this time, and they will start handing out those scripts to any willing players.

When you bring "the game" out in the open, using the terminology I've described, it can be a very powerful opportunity for change. Of course this does not mean that you stop loving the addict, or stop feeling compassion; it just means that you step out of the Drama Triangle. This will allow you to see the situation anew and create new healthy boundaries, in case the individual decides to begin taking responsibility. Blessings2You had a great idea for family counseling, if the addict is willing. This brings a professional into the mix. And the professional will not put up with games.

I have retired from addiction education. I just felt compelled to share some insight with you here, in the hopes that you find the data useful.

Be well,

Don