Sometimes it's too painful David to share the thought. Sometimes you're too depressed to even commit suicide. Then you start feeling better, then you feel good enough to make plans and carry them out. I know this doesn't make sense but I've been there.

The night Mark hung himself my dad was the one who took him down and put him on his bed. The police came and asked a few questions but no one could really talk at the time, we were all in such shock.

After the funeral the police came back and talked to us one at a time. They drilled us with the normal questions about drugs, alcohol, mood changes, lack of interest, trouble with friends or school. All these were no. Mark didn't show any of these signs.

After I got older I started on my quest to try to figure out why. I've read almost every book imaginable about suicide. I have a book called "The Calm Before the Storm" by Catherine Traff. She describes in it when the decision to commit suicide is made.

I never told my mom I read that book because, looking back, Mark made up his mind several weeks before, he knew what he was doing. I couldn't tell my mom because she would have been devastated. She kept saying he just flipped out and lost it. She never knew that he left me a note either. I couldn't put her through that. She deserved better than that.

He did seem calmer, not so stressed about baseball or school. Gosh he was even super nice to me. We squabbled like all siblings do but he was different, for lack of a better word.

But to think he'd actually do it. It still baffles me. Talk about the "ultimate.........." I was the last one to see him alive, the last one he talked to. I would never in my wildest dreams believe he would do such a thing. And I'd better stop.