Welcome, Monica ..You've sure been going thru it. Be patient with yourself. It's a kind of grieving, I think. I went thru some of that (still do from time to time, though it's much better). It WILL get better, as cliche as it sounds, it just takes time. You've found the perfect place for friendship and support. MS makes any surgery tougher to get over, takes a bit longer..But you'll do it!