Quote:
Originally Posted by BJ
She asked me to bare with her, that she was going to suggest something that may sound really weird and crazy, but that may just help me "change my relationship" to these self loathing feelings, and minimize the power they have on my life.
She asked me first to think of all the things that this shame and self-loathing tells me ... i.e. - all the thoughts that pop into my head when self loathing is very strong. After some time, she asked me what some of them were, and I told her.
Then she asked me to think of a nursery rhyme or a jingle that both she and I would know. I felt stupid at that one, and when I didn’t say anything, she suggested "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", and I said I knew that one.
And then - and this comes the really weird part - she asked me to put the words of shame and self-loathing to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and to sing it with her!
Now I was horrified and embarrassed by all of this ... and when I just drew further and further into myself to escape from the situation, she started to lead by example and used some of the things that I had told her that go through my head when shame is really strong, and she started singing those words to the tune of the nursery rhyme!
Now I can’t begin to tell you how horrible this made me feel. I think she was aware that I wasn’t finding this idea very helpful, but she explained that people have certain negative "schemas" that they develop from a very young age and that continue to affect them ... and that through putting the words of something very painful to a nursery rhyme, you can change your relationship with these "schemas" / ways of thinking/feeling about yourself, and not let them have so much power over you.
She came up with this task just before the end of the session, so we never really had time to talk about it too much ... but she did give me homework to work on my "self loathing song" and that she and I would continue with it next week in the session.
Now am I the only one who feels that this task is incredibly insensitive and €ve of something painful that a person may feel so deeply? I don’t understand how my tdoc would think that this task could be helpful for anyone who has been traumatized in the past and has left over 'baggage' (for want of a better word) from those experiences. And I can’t believe that she suggested a task like this for ME of all people, when she knows that shame and self-loathing make me feel so incredibly self conscious, and then to put those feelings into a song!
I am just beyond horrified right now ... but I wanted to get your thoughts about this before I consider writing an email to her telling her what I think about her idea.
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I think i might feel it as dismissive also BJ, so i understand, but i also don't think that was the intent at all. but i will say, someone taking up and singing MY horrible feelings to a nursery rhyme would feel horrid and insensitive to me. on the spot, i would probably cover up and giggle about it... then i would leave and hide and cry miserably and feel misunderstood and abandoned... then i would become very angry. i would have felt violated. in any case, my reaction would be very bad, though it might not be seen in the immediacy or on the surface.
perhaps this thing is premature and i think it would be good to let her know there that you were hurt by her action - if you can identify the feelings you have about her behavior, be specific. she does need to understand your sensibilities to help you better. she may know you well, but she is not not clairvoyant and certainly fallible... this time she perhaps went past where you were ready to go.
i do think also that you may go through horrible feelings if/when you yourself do this exercise... it may feel belittling of the feelings... as part of the reprogramming.
my advice is to attempt the "assigned" homework to the extent you are able, and when you stop being able, write down the feelings that stopped you. that is as good a homework as any for therapy. if you feel unable to even start it, then writing out your feelings is it. your response to this technique is important even if initially the response is one of rejecting the technique itself. but do spend time understanding the rejection, if you do.
as for email... do you feel you need to speak up to her right now? if so, go ahead with the email, otherwise, perhaps just talk to her about it
first thing, next time. if you email to get it off your chest, be sure to focus on how the idea feels belittling of your feelings, but try not to ascribe to her an intent of belittlement - of you, or of your feelings - because i really think the intent was that of neural reprogramming. our brains certainly do create new neural pathways all the time. it is the only way we are able to learn anything or remember anything.
it is unfortunate it came up towards the end of session and you did not get a chance to get into it more at the time. that happens to me sometimes and those are hard sessions - they feel unfinished. then again therapy sometimes would require an untenably long session... so... well, that happens.
~ waves ~
p.s. have been meaning to post on your success thread for a long time... but get sort of stuck in the mud every time. perhaps i will do it in spurts, as there are different parts to things i would have to say. anyway i will try.