I was recently diagnosed (after a syncope attack) that my eeg showed I had sharp wave activity with phase reversal localized to the left temporal lobe. I also was diagnosed with basilar migraines. I have no headaches, just flashing lights with my migraines. My neurologist told me I could have been born with the epilepsy or been injured someway or had a high fever at some time or another. It could have been all 3 because all 3 have happened to me.

I have been "quirky" all of my life and realize after researching this type of epilepsy I have had "spells" all of my life. I am an artist and writer, very religious (an inter-faith minister) and am a socialworker. My memory seems fine but I am forgetful of little things, like finding my keys or glasses. Lately though I have noticed when I get those strange feelings that afterward I am confused for a period of time.

This came as a shock to me and for some reason - even though I know I have had these spells all of my life, I have developed anxiety and depression. I think it was brought on because of the medication they put me on because I had thought originally "If I have had this all of my life, why should I let it bother me now?." I had to stop medication because of the adverse effects (Topamax) and still haven't pulled out of it. Because I am in mental health field and have treated others with these problems, I know I need help. I thought perhaps if I could interact with others who have dealt with this strange condition and who also, cannot tolerate medications due to chemical imbalances, perhaps it would help me cope. I am also seeking psychiatric help.

In one of my fits of deep, dark depression from the medication and maybe from a seizure, too, I cut off my long, beautiful hair. At least I didn't cut off my ear like Van Gogh, who I understand, also suffered from this malady or as some of the ancients called it "a sacred gift".

Is it a curse or is it a gift?