I have a great deal of paranoia whenever I'm around groups, but I feel very comfortable speaking to my tdoc and pdoc because I know I'm safe. I know neither of them will judge me nor expect me to do something I'm uncomfortable doing. I see my pdoc for 25-30 minutes which is plenty of time to discuss everything I need to. I see my tdoc for 55 minutes which doesn't always seem like enough time, but it's better than nothing.

My tdoc is very caring,compassionate, and gentle in her mannerisms and her therapeutic approach. I like my tdoc a lot but she always harps on the cuts on my arms, and then we have to discuss it, and I get tired of that.

I know therapy is hard work and once you do feel comfortable trusting a therapist (pdoc or tdoc) the hard work falls in your lap. A lot of times I feel worse after leaving a session but that means that therapy is working and that I am working in therapy. But the wait in between sessions is the hardest especially when you’ve been left hanging. Issues that were brought up in a session last week eat at me and I obsess about one statement I made or wanted to make and didn't or a statement she made to me, like she did. Therapy shouldn't, in my mind, stop when you walk out of the therapist's office.

I also know that I should have therapy to deal with some of the long term issues behind the depression if I want to continue to get better and stay better...some long term issues can't be controlled by me, so no amount of therapy can help except maybe better coping skills. How do you manage to really talk instead of 'putting on a front' like most of us do in day to day life? How the heck do you stop once you get started? I sure don't want to let it out, just to find out time's up and I have to go home and try dealing with the emotions on my own...blocking things out sometimes is the only way I've had the strength to make it through some days during the last year and ignore desperate urges.

I've been up all night working on my nursery rhyme. I won't put it here but I was surprised how many times I used the word "fear". I see her this afternoon and I hope she approves and appreciates my effort.