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BJ · 05-31-2009, 09:33 AM

I met with my tdoc the other day and went over my nursery rhyme. I didn’t have the nerve to sing it to her so I just read it. It made her cry and it made me so uncomfortable. We were talking about getting to a point of "self worth" and she started to cry and said it was because she cared about me and wanted to help me and to see the good in all me, I can’t remember the rest.

I told her about not being able to remember what was said in the session because I’m not always “there”. So she agreed to write out notes for me to take home so I can review it myself. She doesn’t want me to write while I’m there because I need to stay present.

We talked about my emotions over the past week. We discussed mixed episodes in more detail and I informed her of the fact that I had 2 previous mixed episodes, but didn't realize it at the time since I was confused by my emotions and how it was possible to feel manic, depressed and tired at the same time. She told me how serious mixed episodes are due to the fact that when someone is manic and severely depressed at the same time, it can cause a great deal of anxiety which can be overwhelming and difficult to cope with. That's exactly how I felt during my episode last week. I said I'd rather feel manic or depressed, but not both at the same time. She said that I’m starting to feel real emotions that I haven’t felt before and it’s causing anxiety.

I then went onto explain that I can't stop thinking about the way my life used to be when I was actually happy and could laugh at just about anything. She said that I’m focusing too much on bipolar. Instead of focusing on the here and now, I’m thinking too much about how I feel, my cycling and my meds. She said every time I come there I’m talking about bipolar. I was confused by that because how could I not talk about it?

I have new homework and it doesn’t sound hard but it is. I'm supposed to journal every day, especially on what we discussed until I see her next week and she wants me to share it with a close friend. That’s the hard part because there is no one I can trust. But I honestly think we’re making progress. We have some major issues to deal with since the anniversary is approaching but I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.