When I was seeing my old tdoc everything was fine in the beginning. I felt comfortable talking about myself, and made a lot of progress, and then I just stopped talking, and even though I wanted to talk to her, something inside me just told me not to say anything. And she got extremely frustrated with me, and several times asked me why I bothered to come to therapy if I wasn't going to talk. And soon after that she fired me.

And now with this other tdoc it seems like the same thing is happening and I want to talk, and tell her everything that's on my mind, but now she tells me not to talk about being bipolar.

After saying what she did she asked me if there was anything she could do to make it more comfortable for me. She asked me if I thought she fidgeted too much, does she do things that make me feel uncomfortable. She knew she made me uncomfortable.
I have very few memories of my teens. I think of my memory like a deep dark ocean - every now and then a memory comes near the surface like a big whale and as I reach for it, it disappears. I don’t even have to ask, this is what she wants to talk about but I don’t, not now.

I read online today……….. “The message is clear. Take your therapist off the pedestal and take ownership of your therapy.” Sounds easy but I’m so afraid if I question her she will fire me too.

I had an awful end to the day. I decided to take Hooper to the dog park after work. But while driving there I remembered there’s a dog virus going around and dogs have died from it. So I decided to take her to this baseball field where I didn’t see anyone. She had a blast because she loves to run in circles. It doesn’t look like it’s used anymore so I figured it’s safe.

As I was going back to the car a park officer came up to me. He looked so angry and intimidating. He told me I was in violation of the animal control laws and would be fined $200 for having her off the leash and another $100 for having her play on the ball field.

I felt like he was treating me unfairly and had this awful feeling that I was going to cry. But I didn’t want him to see how much he had hurt me. He gave me this big long lecture about the laws. I felt just like a bad little kid when my dad was punishing me.

He finally said he’d give me a warning. I had so much to say but instead just walked away so angry at myself, so belittled, so hurt. I just didn’t want Hooper to get sick.

I might ask my pdoc if it's okay to take this herb VL. But do you know the name of it? I can't find anything with a PS.