Thank you for all your replies,

My wife and I will be ok. She is very hurt. She blames herself because she let herself get into a combative mode with my son - I've talked to her about it. I think (in this case) that the statement about difficult things making you stronger is true. This comes on the tail end of a whole lot of disappointments and troubles last year. We even hoped that this year things would turn around for us and be better. Its been a tough blow for both of us. I explained to her that I'm hurting too... I just haven't shown it as much. I express it in the little things... complain about little things... but the big things I'm usually pretty tough. I think sometimes I don't really express my need for support on the big stuff. She was calling and im'ing me at work with it... I finally had to say that I am struggling with this myself... Work is actually one place I can think about something else... And that I can't afford to get upset at work... On a conscious level its just about trying to make his latest situation work out, and planning for a contingency if that fails... Its a little mechanized and automatic but I have to deal with it that way right now... He is my kid, so I have to keep myself straight enough to try and make the best decisions I can... I know she isn't his biological mother... I think she understands now that we just have to dry our eyes now and move on with what is best for everyone. I told her I can deal with it alone if it is too much for her and she can just detach from it; but I absolutely can NOT be there for her emotionally, AND handle this myself... That probably sounds really cold. Let me put it a different way - I know she is hurting about this, but we need to share that. The emotional hurt can't be all her's, it is mine too. Maybe we can get better at commiserating ;-) I think its been a little personal for her because she blames herself too...

Yes Mari, this is the same child.

I had a very nice conversation with the father of the family he is staying with today. He seems to have a more realistic grasp of my son's issues than I thought. I'm hoping that because this family is not related to us, and because they are someone my son has gotten to know on his own, that it will make a difference to him. If he begins hearing the same things and being taught about the same values, boundaries, sense of property, etc that we have tried to teach him - from someone else - maybe it will start to sink in. At least he'll hear it from a different angle. One that hasn't been chosen by his parents... I also got the impression that the guy really enjoys spending time with him, and teaching him how to do things in a one on one situation... The other side of it is that they have two kids of their own, and even the *kids* - who I know my son respects - are pressuring him to be a more thoughtful person. So maybe. Just maybe...