I have one friend that I talk to. Out of all the friends I have, it is only her that I can speak with. Everyone else just tries to understand me which is sometimes insulting (I know they do it with the best intentions).

My parents are very frustrated with me. I know the love me, but they don't know what else to do.

I spoke with a counsellor once, and did NOT like her at all. I don't know if it was b/c it was a female and not a male. I think I have an easier time talking to males in professional roles. Sounds kind of ridiculous, but I think having someone make it sound so easy makes me think "well, look at this woman, doesn't she just have her life in order. I guess I should be more like her." Otherwise, I have an easy time talking to males and females outside of that capacity. Maybe I should seek out a male counsellor. I have male psychiatrist who I really like. He understands that I'm not really in denial and he doesn't treat me like a patient, but a human being who needs to make decisions for herself (and be proud of those decisions). But all he cares about is meds. Like my sessions with him are only 15 mins long. So now here I am. I had a bad experience with a counsellor and my psychiatrist just cares about doping me up (sorry, as grateful as I am for meds, I hate taking them).

I used to take paxil for anxiety attacks. My anxiety attacks have "gone away" and are now manifesting themselves in a more Obsessive Compulsive way. Then we tried Cymbalta (which I will never do again....made me have suicidal thoughts....and ever since then, I've been a train wreck). Now I'm on Prozac and I feel like it's not doing too much for me. Like, it does help, but I know that paxil alleviated anxiety symptoms more than Prozac is for OCD. Maybe I AM in denial. Maybe I've downplayed my symptoms to my doctor. For so long, I really was in control of anxiety. Now, OCD has come into my life and I'm not used to it and I'm so confused and so lost. I just want to lay down and let it win because I don't know how to overcome it. It's a relatively new thing to me and it's already ruined so many relationships. I was able to live a somewhat normal life with anxiety and all of a sudden OCD hits and I'm paralyzed by it.

LARA "I would suggest you never ever ever get comfortable with depression or feeling that you're always going to be alone." I'm going to write this down and keep it in my wallet at all times. Thank you so much. I go through these suicidal bouts every few days, so I'll always look in my wallet if I can't get near a computer.

I don't want to end my life, but I don't feel like living. Does that make sense? I feel like I CAN'T live under these conditions anymore. I'm exhausted. And it's hard when I'm trying to fix it but I can't (i.e. meds aren't working)

BLUEMAJO "About people leaving... Oh yeah... I have felt that too... Like everybody forgeting about me" YES! I feel like if someone was like "Manda, I need you to give me the shirt off your back" I would give it to them. Yet, people don't do the same for me. Maybe I shouldn't expect that of them OR myself. Maybe I give too easily.

ABBIE thanks for the comments on my pictures. I know that if I ever hurt myself, those people in the pics would be hurt so much more. I could never do it to them. But some days, it's so tempting.....SO tempting. Today was one of those days. And then my dad called me....and I started to cry as soon as I hung up. I see his face in pain, and it destroys me and I know I have to live another 24 hours.

Sorry for the long post.