Hey Big Sis (and everyone else ),

I'm SO happy to have found you (and everyone else). You've no idea! I found this board by complete fluke and wasn't even going to sign up. And now I see that there ARE people that understand. And if they don't understand, they don't PRETEND to understand.

How long did it take for prozac to work for you? Do you remember? Do you mind if I ask what dose you take? I'm worried that maybe I down played the severity of my depression/OCD, so my doctor didn't give me a strong enough prescription. Maybe I am in denial. I try to hide my pain when I'm around professionals. I guess I get embarrassed. To my friends I tell them everything--how much pain I'm in. But to doctors, I try and be strong and show I'm making progress even if I'm not. I get scared that they're going to keep giving me more medication until I'm numb. I need to get over that fear.

Maybe I need to find another psychiatrist. Although I really like him, I find that he's too busy to listen to me.

I think my new goal is to buy my own place and get a dog. I've been so focused in getting into a relationship and finding someone that will love me for who I am. But I think maybe getting a pet would help me a bit because, in all honesty, as much as I want to have someone love me, I don't think I'm ready to be loved. As sad as it sounds, I think there's this part of me that is scared to be happy or maybe thinks that I don't deserve to be happy. I find that when I'm given the choice between A) Something I've tried and have failed at numerous times or B) Something I've never tried that could potentially work, I usually pick Option A even though I know it'll fail. I don't love myself yet which is hard for me....and people around me.

I know my posts are always so long. People have been telling me to write my feelings out but I have such a hard time writing when I do it in private. I need sound boards to bounce my thoughts off of otherwise it doesn't give me relief. Or, I just re-read what I wrote and it makes me sad. But here, I write and get responses...so if I go and re-read things, then at least I'm also re-reading other people's helpful posts And I like that people don't throw advice at me, they try and understand and tell me what's worked for them. Sometimes my friends just give me advice that doesn't make sense or that they don't even follow themselves.

Anyway, I don't take any supplements. I'll have to do some research on that. Thanks for the input.

I'm sorry you're having a rough day. Just keep writing me whenever you have the chance. I'll be home all day with my laptop close by me. Tell me something good that's happened today.

I start a new job tomorrow. I'm nervous, so I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for it.

You're always a good companion to have, we'll work through things together. I promise. I feel so connected to everyone already and I want everyone to know I'm behind them every step of the way.

Much love,

Manda