i unfortunately don't have any answers. work was actually great. but i find that i busy myself with external things even though internal things aren't ok. i put a smile on, i meet some nice people, but at the end of the day i come home to me. i sleep with me. i wake up to me.

anger is going to come out, so i apologize for swearing, but i have to. i think about the ******* ex boyfriend that totally screwed with my mind. this guy that told me for 6 years that he loved me. and then we broke up. but we still hung out. we were in my bedroom once just watching funny videos on my laptop and he pushed me down on my bed and said "i want to rape you." followed by "this is how long i'm going to rape you for." he didn't. but how can someone who used to love me say those things to me? he tried to say he didn't mean it like that. he thought i was into it. but after 6 years don't you know that someone is definitely not into it? especially since we didn't have the most physical relationship...how did someone go from loving me to hating me and wanting to see me in pain? this was in december and i'm still suffering (on top of the suffering i have from anxiety, depression and OCD....now these three things are focused on this ******* comments to me). i saw him a month ago. we kissed (i don't know why i'm such a ******* idiot) and at the end of our little encounter i said to him "i don't think we're impossible." he said, "i don't think we are either. i don't think we're that far off. but you seem to be doing some good things for yourself and i don't want to complicate things. but let me know when your number changes when you move and let's keep in touch." 3 days later i found out he has a girlfriend. a month passed and i didn't hear from him. then i saw him and said "well, i guess so much for being friends....and oh, i can't believe you cheated on your current gf." he responded saying that he's in love with her and happy with her. wtf? he cheated on her. am i missing something? he says that it's just old feelings left over...that's it? i'm dismissed as old feelings? wtf. now all i think about is this jerk being happy. this new gf doesn't even know what the hell he's done. i'm just so ****** up over this and my mind doesn't allow me to let go.

i know this sounds like typical boy-girl problems, but i hope you realize it's more than that. there's the ******* rape comments he made to me that just completely mess with me....and then there's the OCD part. i just can't believe he said "i don't want to complicate things" when really he should have said "i have a gf."

sorry. i'm ******. and frustrated. and want these thoughts to go away. i don't know how to win against them.

i'm sorry.