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BJ · 06-12-2009, 06:28 AM

When Mark died I remember feeling stunned and angry, why the heck did you do this? Later I found Mark's note. He had the whole thing planned -- the how, the why, and the where. He even wore his baseball uniform and left a note on my dresser……….."Ask mom (mommy) if I can wear my baseball uniform at my funeral”. Mark wore his baseball uniform. We dressed him just the way he would have in life and even played his favorite music at his memorial service. Some people weren't very happy with this but we felt that this is what Mark would have wanted.

After Mark died I had panic attacks daily but told no one just so I wouldn't have to bother with going to see a therapist or take drugs. It was extremely difficult for my mom. She tried to commit suicide twice just so she could be with her son. Even at the funeral home and later the cemetery my dad had to pull her off of Mark’s casket when we were leaving. It just broke my heart to see my mom in so much pain.

That hurt me more than I can say.

I mourn for anyone who has lost a brother, because like me, we will no longer hear his voice. Even though we had our brother and sister quarrels, I would love to hear his voice and be able to argue with him again. I wish I could listen to his favorite songs without getting that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wish I could have done something to stop Mark from committing suicide but deep down I know if it didn't happen at that time, eventually it would have happened. And don't let anyone ever tell you "you will get over it" -- there is no such thing as "getting over it". You will get through it the best that you can but you will never get over it. There is no such thing. Instead, eventually what replace the pain are memories.

What happened to that innocent, trusting child who dreamed of playing for the NY Yankees one day? There are no words to describe the profound and infinite sadness that has consumed me since Mark died. Multiply the most horrible pain you have ever experienced a thousand times and you may be close to understanding what each moment of my life is like.

In my saner moments, I know that Mark will not come back, no matter how much I want him here; it is in such moments that I know Mark's life must serve a purpose, and that it is up to me, his sister, to see that it does.

After Mark died it was difficult to hear his favorite songs without crying. Once, shortly after he died I was shopping with my mom in a crafts store when Mark's favorite song began to play, I became panicked and wanted to run out of the store and never go back again, instead I just stood there the whole time the song played shaking with tears streaming down my face. Mark felt that by ending his life he was doing his family a favor. He was so very wrong. I think of him every day especially holidays, his birthday and today, the anniversary of his death.

I will always love and miss my little brother but when I get sad I try to think of my favorite religious saying: "In my father's house there are many rooms" and I can picture Mark and my parents walking around in heaven together. I often say if I could show my little brother and others what life is like without our loved ones here they might reconsider suicide. Very much like the movie, "It's A Wonderful Life."

The road I’m traveling down right now, through all those emotions, brings me full circle to enjoying my brother every day…. wishing I’d had more time with him, wishing I could hug him, wishing he would hug me back. Wishing it was "A Wonderful Life".

I wrote your name in the sky and the wind blew it away,
I wrote your name in the sand and the ocean washed it away,
I wrote your name in my heart and there it will remain forever.