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BJ · 06-14-2009, 08:10 PM

Mark was 13 years old and I was 14. It was the day of his graduation from middle school. We went out to dinner as a family, came home and we talked together for a while in our rooms like we always did. We never saw it coming. He had everything going for him, the scouts were scouting him, everything was fine, and so we thought.

We shared a bathroom and when I got up the next day the door was locked. I banged on it but no answer. I finally had to call my dad and he busted open the door. I was the first one to walk in. He hung himself; he was dressed in his baseball uniform, hat tilted on his head. I can’t get that image out of my mind. They wanted to do a psychological autopsy but my mom refused.
I don’t have a choice but to think of those careless childhood days when we were free. We were so close in age, so we grew and intertwined our lives, same school, same friends, same enjoyment out of life.

I wanted to be like my brother, so confident and popular. So ambitious, daring and outgoing, while I was painfully shy. Who else would ski the black run after two lessons? It seemed he had no fear while I held back, scared of everything, he acted on impulse, doing what no one else dare.

We loved him so much but maybe that was not enough. I have to live with the knowledge of his sacrifice. I just hope somewhere he is at peace, that carefree boy again from my past. Nothing can take the memories; they will help him to live forever.

I went to Wildwood NJ today and took some of Mark’s ashes with me. Releasing the ashes into the ocean was both strange and beautiful. I know that my brother left his body years ago. In that sense, his ashes were not significant. Yet the ashes represented someone I loved. They were what remained of Mark. They had belonged to my brother. They were Mark’s atoms, for the time he used them. Holding them in my hand seemed sad and good at the same time. I put my fingers into the ocean and let my brother’s ashes float away from me.

I was amazed to think that my brother’s body, gray ash, is now able to become part of another living being or many beings. And I know my brother’s spirit is living and someday again I will be able to see him, a being more glorious than I can imagine.