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BJ · 06-15-2009, 07:23 PM

For a while I told myself and others that it is not just my brother's death I have to get over, but also his life. My biggest fear is that I’m going to end up like him. When I was given a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, I really became concerned.

In the end, I think it makes no sense to look for the reason his death was so difficult. No one ever really gets over the death of a loved one. And it is particularly difficult when the person has taken his own life. No matter what you did or tried to do, you will always feel that there was something you could have—should have—done to prevent it. I still cringe every time I remember being mean to my brother as a kid, every time I teased him.

In my heart of hearts, I knew he was already gone, but in my hope of hopes, I kept telling myself that maybe we might have found him in time. Remembering Mark and talking about him helps. I still think about him and miss him every day. He was the one person that I knew I could count on, no matter what. He is the one I was going to share memories of our childhood with when we were old. Now I’ll never have a chance to be an Aunt.

It takes so long, and we wonder if our hearts will ever be made whole or be healed. I’d like to believe that Ernest Hemingway’s statement, “The world breaks everyone, and afterward many are stronger at the broken places.” As a person of faith, I call out to Jesus to heal my broken heart and lighten the deep hurt within me. Not only for Mark but also for my mom who I miss terribly.

What would Mark be doing today? Of that I’m certain. He’d be pitching for the NY Yankees. No angels in the outfield, but on the pitching mound. And I’d be one proud sister.

I don't want to say goodbye to Mark, I just want him to be free. He loved the ocean and we spent many weekends there at the Jersey shore. I felt like I was taking him home.