Literally. I had a dream recently that I had to go to a nursing home. A lot of things are tied for first place on my list of "worst MS fears", including losing my sight, my ability to drive, my ability to walk, etc. But the nursing home spectre definitely edges out the other fears.

When I was a child, my beloved Aunt Carrie lived in a "home" in Brattleboro. I remember thinking how pleasant and cozy her little room was. She had a studio couch with toss pillows and afghans, old family pictures on the wall, lacy curtains, a desk filled with mysterious things and Canada mints...little wooden boxes and old quilts, etc.

She had her own little bathroom and a tiny closet, and she would "take dinner" with the others in a big dining room. It was like her big old house in Wardsboro squished into one little room. The idea of being in a nursing home someday far in the future didn't seem so awful to me.

Of course, that was not a nursing home at all, per se. When we finally had to bring Mom to a nursing home in 1998, it was truly a nursing home. A hospital-like little room shared with an incoherent roommate. Space for one small chair, and a little shared bureau. None of her own furnishings except a couple of pictures on the wall and a couple of little stuffed animals.

Her favorite sweater and sweatshirt disappeared in the laundry. The wandering dementia residents randomly walked away with her other "things", and I was forever trying to track things down, with little help from sympathetic but already overworked staff.

She kept wanting to go home, and the one time we (helpfully, we THOUGHT) said "this is your home now", she burst into bitter tears as she gestured around her very public "half room" and sobbed "this is NOT a home!"

Even though I know in my heart that it is not "things" that matter in this world, I feel very sad thinking of those who, along with their independence and physical/mental capabilities, also have to give up the "stuff" of their lives that makes their environment truly their own.

This would currently be my worst dread, as far as MS is concerned.