I am sorry. I understand as I have went through similar out of fear of making things worse. Try not to beat yourself up. You can't change the past and who would of none. Hopefully though it is so frustrating to have to start with new doctors that it will bring you an amazing one. It just takes one to approach things different. Really I am on my 5th pain doc and finally am making progress though slow but at least he works with me. There are many other meds as you know. Sending thoughts