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now, when your mind wanders onto those "bad decisions" you made... and you feel angry at being bipolar ... i think it might be useful to try to move your mind. give yourself 5 minutes to have angry thoughts and then focus on something else. if you need to, make a list of things to think about when you need to change focus. yes, that's right, i'm giving you homework now! consider that can be one of the physical things because i want you to sit up at a table and write out that list. that takes more physical effort than lying down. heck, i should know. i get tired just sitting in the armchair watching murder she wrote reruns.
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I don't know if i get angry or just feel helpless and how i possibly wasted my life. I did a lot of good things for others but I feel so empty. Do you know what I mean? I sometimes wonder if I have a little girl's view of what the world should be. I know intellectually we need problems but i wish there were no problems but just challenges and you could jump off from the challenge whenever you are too stressed. I just bought a few book on aging. I wonder if I am going to follow through and read them. I know a lot of my problem is aging. I feel like such a fool for not exercising the past five years. I make such poor decisions. They are so ridden with emotion. If somebody told me five years ago I was making a mammoth mistake about just reading and not exercising i probably wouldn't have listened lol..
thanks also about why i might be having such powerful dreams. it makes sense.
I think I have to go backwards and rehash my past to allow myself to forgive myself. If I just try to bury it it will haunt me I am sure. Now I have to figure out what is aging and what is bipolar and where is the depression coming from.
I am still reading a lot of junk books so not obsessing that much. I want to read more spiritual books. I just bought some more.
Bobby