thanks abbie. it's funny that you mention it--when i get in these ruts, i think about my family a lot. i never want to hurt them. they keep me going. i know that even if they don't understand, they still want me here with them.

i'm glad that you have found your way down the path. that makes me think that i can do something about this. ha, i actually went to the bookstore and bought 8 books that i feel might help me (they're not all related to OCD and depression...but just the overall FEEL of the book might compliment my mood). so i actually got out of the house and bought some things that i wanted. i saw myself as worth the money. i do see myself down that path one day. so i'm glad that i'll be meeting you there.

i'm a bit upset. i called my psych to refer me to another psych in this new city i'm in and he hasn't called me back--it's been a week and i've called twice. so that's just frustrating. i love the city i'm in. i love life again. but i feel like this OCD keeps coming up. so finally i'm at the point where i want to address it, but the doctor i'm going to isn't all that helpful in finding me a new doctor and the meds i tried really didn't help. so i'm kind of getting discouraged. it's just hard for me to keep trying. BUT i know i'm up for the fight. i know i want to live. i just find that i'm relying on so many external things...you know, all the ducks to line up in a row. and they're not. so i'm sitting here waiting for my doctor to call to help me get in line again. i don't want to die. i DO see a brighter future for me. i'm just trying to get there.

as always i appreciate your words, abbie. i hope you are doing well farther down the path. i'm so proud of your accomplishments and that you're able to talk to me about them. you do present me with a much brighter picture. i usually work off Worst Case Scenario (it was how I was raised...ugh....), but you show me glimmers of something better than that. thank you.

i feel like i've been posting too much and maybe bringing people down. i'm going to take a break for awhile.

i hope you have a good weekend.

take care.