I knew when I felt there was no were to turn I could turn to my friends with unknown faces. I am hugging every one back and drawing on your love.

Chemar, I am so sorry about your DH, I remember watching my Dad die with dignity I would never have.
but he was 75 and a wounded Vet from Normandy at age 19. He use to say he always though the 3 days he lay waiting for help he would never make it home. I had to take a loan against our life insurance policy to buffer and the dip into 401K.

As the matriarchs we are some kind of magicians and finanical gurus for our families. I will keep you in my thoughts for God to send angels to give us some emotional fuel...

I wake up and think that although I have heart ache, I am not staring my mortality in the face. I would have to go through my own stages of grief. I can't even place myself in those shoes, but it did give me the strenght to pray again....I lost that abillity.

While my heart is still tight at least I can see a spot of sunlight. That is God that I am trying to see through all these storm clouds. I need someone to hold my hand and hug me....

I am always so giving for everyone else, I have to litterly be overwhelmed and unable to figure out how to keep from drowning, except to put my hand out.

Something must have at least shook him, he may have heard a conversation. The dil asked were he was when we were outside tonight I told her he just woke at 5 pm and as far as I cared I wanted him gone, if he talked to me in that patronizing way I was going over the edge,

Jo no hobbies woud not join the historical society as they were in the late evening when he would be having his brews, he will sit and watch TV when he is awake. First to bed, last awake. Sometimes up all night and then sleep for 20 hrs, get up, and all over againl

When I tell him he needs to get out and do something he will walk to the other room; state to son 2, get the microwave cart out from the wall, look for stains and dust under it. Walk to the bedroom, I (he) does not have beige socks do laundry, and go through those tote bags. to Son 2, get the tote bags up in the attic for your mother.

Back to me, the blinds in the bedroom are so dusty when is the last time you took them down and washed them (HUH, why did he not take them down and take care of it) walk in the kitchen and tell me, what are those boxes stacked by the steps....Ebay things, they have to go downstairs, to son 2, take those boxes downstairs for your mother....

Then he goes back to vegg and says I just took care of all these issues what do you mean I don't contribute

As always, the holidays are difficult without my daughter and visions in my mind go from her face raised to the beauty of the fireworks she made plans for the 4th every year, to visualize her body lifeless.

So tomorrow is the 4th, it is for the kids I will go through the motions. I love to make salads, I am a hugly good PA dutch cook, and the kids love the white cake with cool whip. strawberry, strips and blue berry stars.
I have not made it since the year Dad passed away.

SOmething that may cheer me too is making icecream with the grandson and youngest daughter like my grandpop did on the fourth...
I am going to try and rest it is 5:30 am. I had three hours sleep last night.

Hugs to you all and blessings
honey