Hi Honeybear,

I, like others here, feel you very heavy heart.
I am sorry for all you are going through.

As I consider what to write, I realize I cannot write much you don't already know... about the lousy bank policy, about "love and marriage," about wanting to be a supportive parent, about grief from the loss of a loved one...and so much more!

I am very sorry you are (and have been) treated this way. This can be a very difficult pattern to overcome, once it has established itself in a marriage. However, maybe not impossible to overcome/change this pattern of interactions if both parties are honestly interested and totally dedicated to doing so. Even so, you both will likely need outside help in bringing change about.

I guess the first step is in deciding if you each want to work on your marriage? This must be as honest a decision as possible. Sometimes, people truly do not know what they want. Sometimes, people think they do not want to work on their marriage and then "soften up" a bit in couple's therapy. It may be helpful to go together for awhile, even if "unsure" or desiring to end the marriage, while obtaining assistance in "parting ways" in a reasonable manner? It's important for separations and divorces to be as "sane" as possible, especially with children involved.

Is this an option-- counseling/therapy? I understand you are having extreme financial difficulties and may have difficulties financing this option. However, there may be some excellent resources available on a sliding scale fee and/or even for free in your community?

You seem to be describing some emotional abuse, in the least. How deeply this can cut...and how incredibly painful and demoralizing!

I am suggesting you think about talking with any agency in your community offering some support to battered women.

(I hope you will not be offended by this suggestion. I will follow with what types of issues these agencies may help with and you can determine if you might be interested in exploring this option.)

This type of an agency will ideally help you to determine if you are suffering emotional (and/or other forms of) abuse, as many people cannot discern this for themselves when under so much stress.

Often, the abuse will escalate when/if there is increasing stress and/or if someone is asking for healthy "changes" in the established pattern.
Please always keep yourself and your children safe should this situation escalate.

Often, these agencies also guarantee confidentiality, support groups, counselors/therapists to help women work through their issues and to pursue their own life goals. Many also have supportive legal resources/services, and connections with so many other social agencies that may be very helpful to you and to your children at some point.

I am aware of agencies that work with women, confidentially and free, piecing together a plan that is technically "on hold," yet also ready to activate the entire plan if/when you need/want to do so. In some agenices, they do this all confidentially, while never asking anyone to make any move before/until she is ready to do so. They also help women to locate/discover all of her possible resources. There are many resources in each community that most people are not aware even exist!

I hope and pray such an agency is avialable to you should you decide to contact them. Many of these agencies are avialable 24/7, even for initial phone counseling/support.

Often, it can be extremely helpful just knowing one has "support" and "very real options!" With the help of these agencies, one does not have to leave in order to get assistance. One can obtain assistence and consider all options. One can also often obtain lots of support whether or not ending a marriage/relationship.

I am simply making some suggestions and do not expect you to bare your soul here on anything you would rather not discuss in a public forum.

Neither can I clearly discern which options may serve you best. You know yourself and your situation best! You will know which suggestions may/may not be helpful to you!

If you are unsure about contacting such an agency, you are also allowed to call them and ask them what types of services they offer, etc. They receive inquires frequenlty.

So many great people have responded here!
Many are away on holiday.
This is a great place for support!

I will be praying for you and for your family.
Please take care!

Healing hugs!