On vacation last week, after our campsite was struck by lightning before our eyes and before a falling tree nearly crushed our tent, our minivan was totaled in a flash flood during a thunderstorm. With me and my family in it.

We kept our children calm, telephoned for help, gathered essentials and waited as the water rose up to the door handles and half-filled the van.

By the time the firefighters arrived I was still outwardly calm but inwardly terrified. I watched my darling (who had earlier missed being struck by lightning by 4 feet) make his way out of the van while lightning filled the sky. Then a rescuer took my youngest son to safety. Then two came for my other son and me.

BUT I couldn't move. The firefighter pulled me out and carried me. He asked if I could walk and all I could say was, "NO." He carried me the whole way and took us to the firehouse to wait out the storm.

They also fed us. Brought shoes for the boys. Showed them the fire trucks. Let them play video games. Let me use the Chief's office to line up a rental car, locate my van and call the insurance company. And gave us a ride back to camp. (Support your local firefighters; they're angels in disguise.)

I am so grateful for all the help we received and for being alive to tell the tale. Yet I am deeply disturbed by my body's immobility during the rescue. I can handle the near misses, the loss of the minivan, the thousands of lost dollars...

But here's what haunts me: what if my darling hadn't been there and the firefighters hadn't come when they did? At what point would I have had to TRY to open the doors and pull 8- and 9-year-old boys out into a thunderstorm by the side of a highway? WOULD I EVEN HAVE BEEN ABLE TO MOVE? Had I been alone with them, would something else have kicked in to make me stronger and more mobile? Or not?

PD leaves me feeling so vulnerable.

Has anyone else had experience with PD in an emergency? What has awakened you to your own fragility? How do you accept and adapt to vulnerability if you've spent your adulthood with a high level of competence, resourcefulness, and "success"? How do you accept change that may leave your family less protected?

The vacation was otherwise uneventful and fun, as it is every year. Unbelievably, we've already booked our site for next June. A cabin site. I guess I am an optimist after all!

Rose