Wow, what a great group! It feels good to have so many care. I feel I've been alone for so long. I'm pretty overwhelmed by all the hugs and reaching out. This is a pretty cool place. I stumbled on you guys by coming over from the Peripheral Neuropathy group. I've got that unexplained frustrating disease that is really making things frustrating a pain in the *** for me right now.

I have learned a lot from coming to these boards. I am 47 years old, I've been a giver and and a "caretaker" all my life. I've been taking care of other people since I was seven years old. This is the first time in my life I've ever had to ask for help. Even through my mom's suicide, my divorce, losing my job, surgery and being left alone to recover for a week, many many things have knocked me on my *** and I've been able to pick myself up from them. But this disease has finally made me realize that no matter what, I need people in my life. It is o.k. to ask for help. It feels good to let them hug me. It is o.k. to let them help me up. It is o.k. to let my daughters cook dinner for me, or to go grocery shopping for me. I can let them fold my laundry or carry my things in from the car.

I have been so independent for so long, never trusting ANYONE, because if you trust them, then you have to let them in, and if you let them in, then you owe them, and if you owe them, then you have to do what they want you to do, and sometimes they want you to do bad things. Or, you have to tolerate them, even if they are mean to you, just because they did nice things for you before. My mom used to tell me... "you should be gratefull he took us in (my first step dad, the one that beat us and drank away all our rent money) what kind of a man would marry a woman with three kids? He took us in and supported us, you should be grateful for all he did for us." If I should be grateful for that, then life sucks!

Finally she divorced him, when I was 17. She always told me after that, never put up with a man who treats you bad, (I guess she was over-compensating for her putting up with crap from him for 12 years!) so I never put up with crap from men. Therefore, when I did have men in my life, I never allowed them in close enough to trust them. So, here I am, divorced three times, no man in my life that I can trust, my children are my world, and my mom is gone. I now trust my step dad, (mom married him when I was 24).

I'm looking forward to my "retirement" years and wondering if I'll ever be able to trust a man enough so that I can be in a relationship. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to retire alone. I don't want to be the crazy old cat lady (besides, I'm allergic to cats!).

I used to be really permiscuous (sp?) because I didn't know how to "connect"with men any other way. Now I am just lonely because my feet hurt all the time and I just sit in my room and sew and watch T.V. and worry about my kids.

Geez, it sucks getting old!

O.K. I did go visit my old "first love" when I was back home. He is interesting in re-kindling things. His wife died about 10 years ago... (man, I make it sound like we're in our 60's or something, we're only 47) so I spent a few days with him, and he's coming here to spend a few weeks in the spring. So I'm not dead, and I'm not that ugly....

Anyway, I'll shut up now, I just wanted to tell you all that it feels really good to have you all care so much about how my trip was, and how I am feeling, and I am learning to "let people in" and share my feelings! Whew, I sure am... I just gave you all my life history in an email huh?

Thanks for listening!!!!!

Terri