I did the best I could. My mind was racing all over the place. When I got there I was sitting in the area where we all have to wait. I just lost it and couldn’t control the tears. I know this sounds stupid but I needed my mom to tell me it would be okay. One of the proctors saw me and said it’s just a test and if I fail I could take it again. I told her that’s not why I’m crying. I couldn’t even speak and she took me to a room off the side.

I told her everything and she said "You're fine...this is really great news." And, again, it is, in the world of BC. I know that!! I couldn’t understand that response. I was trying so hard to keep my emotions in check. But I couldn’t. I just feel like, it's not ok to have even the teeniest feeling about what’s been going on because I'm so *&%$ing fine!

All things are relative, I suppose. I am "lucky" in some ways. But it's still cancer. I vary on whether I hate being told I'm lucky. I know what she meant, and I know that it's true from certain perspective. But I just want to scream, "No, LUCKY would be if I didn't have CANCER."

Life can be so complicated. I’ve tried so many times to leave this earth and be with my family and now I’m afraid to die.

I tried. I don’t know how I did. It’s all a big blur right now. I even got lost on the way home, in my own neighborhood. I was just driving aimlessly I didn’t even realize where I was. I’m just overly tired right now.