well i wrote mom awhile back telling her that i feel like i've let you down...and that you're aware that i've let you down. and she didn't correct me otherwise, so i'm assuming i'm correct.

and she pretty much suggested that you and i should have our distance (well she confirmed my suggestion, which makes me think you have talked to mom about me...which is totally fine).
first off, this isn't written in an angry or sad tone. it's written in an "it is what it is" tone.
so this is pretty much an email of facts. not guilt or assumptions.

i know i've let you down as a sister and as a friend and as whatever else. i come across as selfish. i come across as needy. i stress people out when they're around me. i know all these things. i'm not stupid. i know that you, laurie, etc resent me for the stuff i've pulled. but that's the thing. you guys see it as things "i've pulled." i see it as "things i had to do." i don't expect anyone to understand. you can hate me. you honestly can. i don't want you to. i'm not happy about it. but i can't control it. and i know i'll let you down again. i think you think i do it on purpose or that i only care about myself. or that i'm selfish and don't think of others. if that's what you think of me (and i'm pretty sure you do), then i'm sorry, but i'm not going to try and change your mind. because, like i said, i'm sure i'll do a hundred things to make you feel that way about me. i don't do anything intentionally. i don't only think about myself. that's the most convincing i can do.

and i'm not saying this in an accusing tone, but you honest to god don't know what it's like to be me (and visa versa, of course). i know you worry about me. i'm grateful. i know i stress you out, and i'm trying to limit the things i tell you for this reason. i know i have to be careful about our relationship from now on. i remember crying in disneyland, during the fireworks and asking mom to take me out of the crowd and she didn't. i remember driving in dad's truck to the cabin against my will and him "hitting" me in the stomach to keep quiet (out of frustration....never repeat this memory again please). i remember a lot of things. i know it wasn't easy for people around me. i'm not so selfish that i don't remember these things. i did what i had to do last month. i for once needed someone to pull me out of the situation, not just keep me pinned in it. did i fake being suicidal? heck no. i reached out to people that i needed to pull me out. i'm sure you see me as dad who just gets mopey and brings people down. maybe that's who i've become. i'm not sure. what was i supposed to do? keep my mouth shut? it was a scary time for me. i didn't know what was going on. one day i'm talking on the phone with mom perfectly fine, and the next day i can't take my eyes off of a 3 months supply of pills sitting on my desk. i didn't fake this stuff. maybe i should keep it to myself or choose people carefully. i don't know. all i know is, i didn't want to die but i needed people to help me out of the situation...rather than thinking "manda can sit and cry in this crowd until she's all cried out" or "manda is going to take this trip to the cabin and have a good weekend if it's the last thing she does." you'll never get it trish. i don't expect you to. and i think i've spent a large portion of my life trying to get people to understand me. i tell my feelings in SUCH detail that the people around me take on the stress. which makes me happy b/c i know my point has been made. but makes me sad b/c i see that no one else can handle it. you couldn't, neither could jay, nigel, laurie.....mom and dad when i was a kid.....and i think people think that b/c i function normally day to day now that i don't have issues still. because i'm not scared of throwing up in public, people think all my issues are gone. it's hard realizing that no one else can deal with it because in the end I HAVE to deal with it. i don't get the choice of distancing myself. i don't get the choice of walking away.

this is my life. no one else understands it. so in a way i have to be selfish. because i know that as much as people say they love me and accept me for who i am....they'll never fully accept me as i am....ALL of me. i have to love myself and look after myself....i don't mean to be selfish and put ppl down or not be there for others. i get jealous sometimes because there was a time when i really didn't like my life so it was hard to see others happy.

you are on my mind many times in a day. more than you'll ever know. i don't like that i've caused you stress and have ruined certain things in your life. i know the indifference you feel towards dad sometimes and i know that i've taken ownership to some of that indifference. i'm not completely stupid and so self absorbed that i don't see what's going on. i don't try to be selfish. i just don't know that anyone will ever accept me as i am.

i don't know where this leaves our relationship. i don't think either of us feel comfortable talking to each other for our own reasons. i apologize for the damage i've done. i'm not in a position to fix it right now. i do want to hear about things (like your date), i'm trying my best to be a better person to you. but there are a lot of things i know i've let you down with. and idon't like myself as a person and as a sister for that.

i'm sorry trish. i wish i could wash away all i've done with everyone. and i unfortunately can't. i'm sure people think i moved to a new city to run away from jay. but the truth is, i kind of ran away from everyone else. i became toxic to the people i love the most. i know i'm not viewed in too positive of a light. so i had to leave. i don't want to be that disease, you know?

i think i've made the right decision moving here. i'm doing well here and have distanced myself from people enough. i don't want to share every detail anymore.

i know you're not pleased with this email. but this has hung between us for a long time now and one of us had to address it. so i decided to in hopes of somewhat clearing my name as this horrible sister and friend. and i know that maybe this isn't enough, but this is all i can offer right now.

you're going to roll your eyes at how i'm ending this email, but hopefully it demonstrates my tone in this email---i hope the date goes well tomorrow night and that you at least find yourself having a bit of fun. i do want to know how it goes. i do still want to hear about things and talk to you. i'm just watching how "close" i get because i know that it's a slippery slope for people when it comes to my issues.

you dont' have to worry about writing back. i know that maybe we should have kept this as an unspoken truth between us, but i think that's kind of insulting both of our intelligence. we're not stupid. we love each other. i know this will never change. but i know there's resentment between us right now. i know i've worried you and everyone else and i don't expect you or anyone else to forgive me. i know that feelings of hate are there. i've known for a long time.

love you trish. that'll never change.